Why not?

I have to...

2007-12-07T02:45:00.000-06:00

I suppose rather than just commenting on everyone else's posts about the shootings I should just write my own. I kind of feel I have to because the whole thing is really surreal for me. Since I never update I don't think anyone knows that I have been working at the Blockbuster in Bellevue for that last month or so. It happens to be located right next to a McDonalds, the one that fired Robert Hawkins. Now I hate to say "I knew the shooter" or even "I met the shooter" because like I said in my comment on Raptor's post that implies that we at least exchanged names and we didn't. The fact is that I talked to him earlier this week. (I believe it was Tuesday night, but it could have been Monday.) He was just an employee either off work or on break sitting in the corner with his coat on and I was just waiting for my order and he started talking to me. I don't even remember what we talked about other than it was lighthearted and I was laughing. He left no impression on my other than being a slightly awkward but outgoing friendly kid. Had the conversation happened even a week ago I am sure I wouldn't have even remembered it. I just can't wrap my brain around how someone can joke around with a stranger one day and the next shoot a bunch of strangers. Its just so tragic. I spent a good amount of time in tears on Wednesday. Even before I made the connection between the shooter and the kid in the corner I just couldn't get over the sadness of the whole thing. That said, I do agree with Raptor that life must move on. I shed my tears for the strangers and their families. I have said my prayers for them and now I must move on. It may seem quick and I understand that not everyone can just move on. I would be lying if I said I will not feel a twinge of sadness every time I pass by Westroads for a while. I just can't actively mourn for strangers longer than a day or I will go nuts. Tragedies happen everyday all around the world and if I continue to dwell on them I will never stop crying. My loved ones are all safe tonight and I am thankful for that.

On a completely different note on the same topic it was really interesting watching national coverage on this event. What really got to me was seeing their "experts" discuss what his personality was probably like. They depicted this psychopathic person when the interviews with the people who knew him described him as a depressed kid with some family issues. If anything I blame media coverage and reporting on events like these for causing more of them. Not that its an excuse. There is no excuse for killing 8 strangers, but if you are an unremarkable depressed kid who wants to get noticed by someone, their family, a stranger waiting for their food, or the entire country there is one thing that will do it. Maybe if the media would start downplaying the shooter and only talk about the victims it wouldn't be such an easy way for someone to "be famous" or "go out in style" or whatever it was he wrote. That was another discrepancy between national and local news. He was also 18, 19, or 20 depending on which channel you were watching. Sorry, the little detail changes got annoying to me after awhile. And that is my two cents on this issue. Since I probably won't post for another three months because I am just too lazy I wish everyone a happy and safe holiday season.

Grey's Anatomy

2007-09-22T02:39:00.000-05:00

Okay, short post that is mostly a question to those of you that watch Grey's. Lexie is Meredith's half sister, but was she Susan's daughter from a previous marriage? This is never really explained that I can remember and if she isn't there is a huge flaw in the timeline since Thatcher left Ellis when Meredith was 5, it would be at least a year before he got remarried and probably another year before Lexie would be born making her 7 years younger than Meredith and impossible for her to be an intern this year. Its been bugging me since I finished watching season 3 on dvd. If anyone can answer this for me please let me know. I think I might have to rewatch season 2 to see the episodes that first introduced Susan and see if they say anything other than "Lexie is at Haravard in med school." They all certainly act like Thatcher is her biological dad, but it just doesn't fit. I am all about suspending disbelief in t.v. and movies, but this might be too much for me. I might get really made at the show over this. Seven years? Seriously!?!

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows

2007-07-26T18:29:00.000-05:00

Ok, ok so I haven't posted for a long, long time and this one will be brief because I don't want to spoil the book for those of you who may not have finished yet. This was a fantastic book, I cried at the ending, as has been my custom since the 5th book, though no fit has been greater since Sirus died. Anyway, one thing I wanted to address was the issue of spoilers for this book. I hate spoilers, I want to find out for myself how things turn out, but its a fact in this day and age that spoilers happen. They are out there, people like to spoil things for others and there is no stopping that. The thing that I don't understand though is why people get so mad about them. The fact remains, you have to LOOK for them. It is not like you can sign on to the internet and a pop-up immediately says "And this is how the book ends..." If you don't want something spoiled for you, don't go looking for it. Don't type "Harry Potter" in a search engine before you are done reading the book. I didn't want the book spoiled for me so I refrained from looking. It was only today that I went looking for interviews etc on the book because I finished it days ago and even now most things that I read had huge *Spolier Alert* signs or even links to take you to a different page to read anything that gave away the ending. I will probably write more on the book later once everyone who has more of a life than me has finished it. I am going to read all the books in order now (I read the 5th and 6th again a few weeks ago for the film and the last book) so when I am done with that I will try to write a Harry Potter overview because I am an obsessed nut like that. Enjoy the book if you haven't finished it!

Snow Day

2007-03-02T01:41:00.000-06:00

Its been about 10 years since I have had a snow day. As adults we rarely get snow days. Schools close, but work remains open, and usually no matter what Blockbuster stays open. Today, however, since the store manager lives in Lincoln and the roads were closed between Omaha and Lincoln most of the day, he could not come in, my car is buried under a foot and a half of snow, and the other manager was stuck in her driveway all day, so no one could open our store. Outside of the occasional phone calls to see if anyone could get to the store, I had the day off, stuck in my apartment with nothing to do but watch movies. It was a really nice change. The thing that really got to me though, was the stores that did open today were really busy. What is up with people? The roads were extremely dangerous, schools, banks, and most all businesses were closed, I even saw that some Urgentcare centers were closed, but people were still driving out in the blizzard, risking their lives to rent a freakin movie. I wished all of them to get stuck or wreck their cars, no injuries, just lots of money in damages. That would teach them. When you can't see more than 10 feet in front of you, don't go out to get movie. Stay home, read a book, watch tv, watch a movie you already own, you don't need to risk your life to see a different movie. Its just retarded to me. I hope everyone in Omaha enjoyed their snow day and stayed at home. I sure did. I watched the entire extended Lord of the Rings trilogy with my boyfriend and his roommate. They tried to make it into work this morning only to find their stores were closed too and since I live next to both of their jobs they just came here rather than drive the whole way home. They were not stupid enough to come over here just to watch LOTR.

Where has the time gone?

2007-01-02T23:27:00.000-06:00

I promise that I am not ditching out on people or parties, the truth is I am horribly overworked. Today was my first day off since the 21st and even today I had a conference call to be on so it wasn't even a full day without any work. On the few days that I have not worked I have either been running around like a crazy person trying to get stuff done i.e. pay bills, go shopping, all the boring errands that just need to get done, or I have been in bed. I spent New Year's Eve in bed sick. 20 hours of sleep later and I am still sick and I have to get up and work in the morning. What a fun life I have. I should be getting a week off sometime this month so I can catch up on my life and sleep for a bit and hopefully now that the holidays are over I can go back to working no more than 40 hours a week. I don't think that there has been a single week in the past two months that I have not gotten overtime, and while the extra money came in handy over the holidays, right now with how sick I feel and how exhausted I am I just don't think it was worth it. Well another some what long week ahead of me and being sick should be so much fun. At least I got some rest in today. I hope everyone had a happy new year!

Which Reindeer are you?

2006-12-16T17:45:00.000-06:00

You Are Vixen

Sexy and sultry, you're the one all the other reindeer dream about.

Why You're Naughty: That fur pulling spat you got into with Dancer over Santa.

Why You're Nice: Because even when you're nice, you're still delightfully naughty!

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

Yeah stupid quiz, I know its not much of a post, but I am leaving town for a few days so this is all you get for now.

Quick update

2006-12-07T22:46:00.000-06:00

So I am still working my butt off. I think I have worked overtime like 5 out of the last 6 weeks, I am working lots of overtime this week, then I am out of town next weekend, I might be going to Florida over New Years, so basically I am busy. I am changing stores though. I will be working in West O instead of the ghetto, which I am happy about. I will miss my store and the people I work with, but its a nicer store in a nicer area of town and so far everyone there seems really friendly and should be fun to work with. I gave up one of my days off to work there tomorrow. Sometimes I am a little too generous with my time at work, but hey it is the holidays and I have bills to pay now, so I want all the overtime I can get while I can get it. Right now though I am tired and I think I am going to shower and go to bed now and get ready for another long day tomorrow. At least I am not closing and I have Saturday off still.

All moved in

2006-11-15T15:08:00.000-06:00

So I am now all moved in to my new apartment and I have my internet set up already. The rest of my furniture will arrive on Friday and I will be all at home here. Some time this weekend I will be showing the new Evening with Kevin Smith, so if you are interested in seeing that leave a comment or send me an email. Exact time and date is pending to see what works with everyone's availablity, but I don't work Friday at all, I open on Saturday (9-5) and I am free Sunday night I believe, so the weekend is pretty well open.

Moving, finally

2006-11-11T22:14:00.000-06:00

So I am finally moving into my new apartment tomorrow. I won't have all my furniture for a while as it hasn't been purchased yet. My mother is buying me a new bedroom set, and I am buying at least a desk right away and maybe a new tv and entertainment center, but I may wait for my next paycheck. I won't have any internet for a little while, not that I update my blog or anything, but no email for a while either. I don't know how long it will take to get it connected once ordered, I am hoping not long as I feel completely cut off from the world without my computer. Maybe once I move and get set up I will be a better blogger. :)

So I don't update :P

2006-10-25T19:15:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know, its been over a month. What can I say? I have been busy. I am finally moving to an apartment next week. I have been working, seeing people when I can, dating a new guy, I have just been busy. Once I get my apartment and my computer all set up with high speed I will be updating more often. For now, bare with me while I am getting moved.

Memories

2006-09-22T15:42:00.000-05:00

Driving around the city I grew up in I got to thinking about the past. I've been doing that a lot since I have been back; its kind of hard to avoid when so much of my life was spent here. Its amazing how a scent, a song, a person, or a place can take you back to a time long ago. A specific moment in time that is unchanging, that has so much meaning to you whether it be good or bad. I spent a long time running from these memories. I did everything I could to forget them, but they are always there in the back of my mind haunting me, waiting for something to bring them to my attention. Not all of my memories are bad, but there is a sadness that comes with them all. The good ones leave me missing that time. I drove by the one place that I always found comfort in and it is gone, replaced by a housing development. I knew this. I knew my safe haven was no longer there, but driving by its replacement made me sad. I miss my old place, the place I spent so much time growing up. I learned to drive on the long gravel road there; I went there when nothing else in my life made sense and found the comfort I was looking for. And now it is gone forever and I took it for granted when it was there. I have driven by other places that still stand that hold horrible memories, memories best left buried, but come out from time to time. That place stands and my safe haven is gone. The question that stands out in my mind is how long do I dwell on these things? What is the appropriate amount of time to bask in the good memories or linger on the bad ones? Should I just move on? Am I even ready to move on? Why do I feel the need to hang on so much to the past? Its what made me who I am today, but spending too much time remembering keeps me from actually being who I am today. Reliving my past reverts me back to who I was then, and I don't want that. I want to move on, be me now and look forward to the new memories that I am going to make, but somehow I just can't quite let go. Hopefully someday soon I will let go and be free.

Ass biting

2006-09-20T23:18:00.000-05:00

So my past keeps biting me in the ass. Friday night the ex that didn't like that I had feelings and we broke up because he never called, called at 1:30 in the morning. I did not pick up the phone, I didn't know what to say. It just really threw me. I didn't know what to think. I still don't. Why would a guy who never calls me call? Just as I am getting over this weirdness I run into one of the few people I never wanted to see again in my life. My ex, whom I was with the night I was raped. Yeah, that brought back some found memories. Lets just say that week has kind of sucked so far and it ain't looking like its getting any better. :(

How to save a life

2006-09-14T00:54:00.000-05:00

This song is now permanently stuck in my head, so here are the lyrics. I will post something else soon.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

I'm back

2006-09-12T00:44:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note to let everyone know that my phone is back on, I worked through most of what I needed to. Some things will always be issues for me, but for now they are not bothering me. Also, I am off of work this Thursday-Monday. I was going to go to Chicago, but decided to stay in Omaha instead. Don't ask why, it was part of what I was dealing with. I think right now my Thursday is booked and Friday at least during the day, other than that I am pretty much open if anyone wants to do anything. Give me a call, I actually will answer now. :)

blah

2006-09-08T23:42:00.000-05:00

Health wise I am feeling better, mentally I need a break. Too much going on in my head right now. My cell phone has been off for days and it will probably remain that way for a while. I need to work some things out on my own, and I love all the people in my life but the concern is getting really annoying. I am fine, just not quite myself and I get at least 3 messages a day asking if I am okay. If I wanted to talk about what is going on in my head I would talk about it, but I don't. Sometimes I hate being me. Other people can have bad days and no one thinks twice about it, I have an off day and people won't leave me alone, and that is all I want right now. Just a little alone time to work things out. No one can give me the answers I am looking for, no one can really understand what I am going through right now, and I appreciate the concern, but I wish they would just back off and let me get through this. I am rambling, I know I am rambling. Too many thoughts in my head and nothing comes out well, so I will just end this by again saying physically I am fine, and mentally, well that will come with time too.

My 100th Post

2006-09-02T01:04:00.000-05:00

And I have very little to actually say, just thought I needed a quick update. I am ill and no one seems to know what is wrong with me, and believe me it is not for a lack of looking. I will be quite happy never to have to get blood taken, or another abdominal CT done ever again. So since they can't find the exact cause of my illness they are treating symptoms for now, meaning valium to stop to muscle spasms, pain killers for the kidney pain, and lots and lots of vitamin water. It seems to be the only thing that makes me feel somewhat better. And I have to avoid salty foods because for some reason they make me feel worse. Oh and I get lots and lots of sleep, like minimum of 12 hours a night otherwise I am too weak to function. Hopefully all this will pass soon. If nothing else it is getting me to eat healthier and drink more water (like 60-80 ounces a day just to feel slightly better.) On the plus side any of the tests for anything really serious have all come back negative, so I am not going to die or anything. I am just anxious to get back to normal. Whatever is wrong with me has also been effecting my concentration and personality which bothers me more than anything. I just don't feel like me right now. Oh well, I guess I am just going to have to wait it out and I will either get better and things will go back to normal or I will get worse and then maybe they can find the cause and treat it. Until then I am just kind of existing the best I can.

Happy Birthday to Me!!

2006-08-18T00:12:00.000-05:00

So it is my birthday, I shall be spending the day with my church taking a little roadtrip to another church in Kansas City. Yeah, I am such a wild party girl ain't I? The wonderful thing is that I don't have to work again until Tuesday night! Hooray for no work!! So if anyone wants to hang out this weekend I will be around. Give me a call, or you know just let my birthday pass without any notice. Whatever, I am happy. :P

Anniversaries and Journeys

2006-08-07T12:47:00.000-05:00

Yes, I have been very bad at posting lately and I am sorry. I have had a lot on my mind and my time has been spent productively meaning not spending hour after hour on the computer. Anyway, I have had this post in my head for over a week and it ties into what I was going to post about anyway so here it is, and it will be long so that should make up for lack of posting lately.

As most people know summer and especially August has held some very bad memories for me. It seems that the worst things that have ever happened to me in my life happened in August, and the two of the very worst happened on August 1st eight years apart. It was on August 1st that I was raped at seventeen, and it was on August 1st of last year that my ex snapped, got physically violent and I kicked him out. This day now just looms over my head. I think I have some weird paranoid fear that on this day a sign appears on my forehead that says I am to be abused and only men can read it. The fear of this day started eating at me as early as June. I just couldn't quite get it out of my mind. All summer long I have been taking long walks (3-8 miles) and on those walks I think and I pray, and the other thing that had been weighing on my heart was my faith. Ever since I overdosed two and a half years ago my faith had been renewed. Now I really can't think of a time when I didn't believe in God, even if I was angry at Him I still believed, but this changed that belief from some kind of vague belief in a God that may or may not have anything to do with my life into something much more real. Its hard to go through something like that, be told over and over again that medically speaking I should be dead and not believe that God very much had something to do with it. What was weighing on me though was what do I do with all this faith? I have been praying on almost a daily basis since then, but it just didn't seem like enough anymore. I was keeping my faith to myself, partially because there is so much about religion that I just don't like. I was raised Catholic and I could go off for hours on the hypocrisy in the Catholic church and the stupidity of their dogmatic laws. Since I was so young when I refused to go to church anymore I had a hard time separating Catholics from Christians, so I pulled away from it all. My mother, not wanted to raise me without some religion took me to a Unitarian church for a while. I never really got into that. They believe in God and think He is wonder, but there is no structure, you can take what you want and leave what you don't like, and believe it or not, I like more structure than that. I looked into Buddhism, and I like it as a philosophy more than an actual religion. I studied Reform Judaism and I did really like that. The structure that I like was there, their holidays actually meant something still. That is another thing that I didn't like about Christianity. A celebration of the birth of their Lord and Savior has turned into a greed-fest, who gets the most presents, spends the most money, its kind of sick. I stopped celebrating Christmas 6 or 7 years ago. Sorry if I am offended anyone. Christmas can be fun, I do enjoy the lights and the spirit of the season, its just that the true meaning of the holiday has been lost for most and it saddens me. Anyway I did get very into Judaism and almost converted, but it wasn't a perfect fit. I liked it better than anything I had found so far, but I guess it wasn't quite enough to commit to it with all my heart. I think the big hang up for me was having to agree that I would marry a Jew and raise my kids Jewish. Not being raised Jewish its a hard rule for me to follow out of no where, and not knowing who I might some day fall in love with, I just couldn't make that promise before God. It was at this point that I overdosed and moved to California. There AA became my religion. I am not saying anything against AA, it played its part in my life and my journey, but I think I evolved past that. I drank and the world did not come to an end, and now I have a choice again, and 9 times out of 10 I choose not to drink. On that random occasion where I choose to drink its okay, and I think that is true recovery. (Side note: I saw an awesome episode of South Park the other night that was about AA and it being a religion and that drinking doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. It was wonderful.) Again, I don't want it to seem that I am looking down on AA or anything, it works for a lot of people, they get what they need there, and they are better people for it. I just think it served its purpose in my life, it helped saved my life, but I have grown past needing that now. Anyway, as I started to drift away from AA I started thinking about moving back to Omaha. Part of the reason why I moved back to Omaha was to really rebuild my relationship with my parents. It had gotten worlds better than it was, but there is only so much that can be fixed and improved upon from 1500 miles away, and I wanted to go to church with my dad. He found a church that he really liked and it was really making a difference in his life. Now life kind of took over when I got back, I got distracted and sidetracked, but then people started getting put into my life and I got reminded about wanting to go to church with my dad. I finally went a few weeks ago and found Christians who think like I do. They put God's word above everything and don't make up their own rules to benefit themselves. They actually celebrate holidays for their spiritual and religious meanings and not just as an excuse to give gifts. They even study Jewish holidays and relate very much to Judaism. I found where I belong. So lately I have been studying the bible, talking and getting to know other Christians and building up my relationship with God on a new level and I have never known a greater peace in my life. The fear over a day on the calendar faded. I had a slight panic attack at 11pm on the 31st and I walked and prayed and the fear went away within 15 minutes. The day passed by like any other day. I went to bible study that night and a prayer service the next morning and never felt better. Now please don't get freaked out that I am some weird Jesus freak now. I am still me. Some minor things will change; I made an agreement with God not to have sex again until I am married, which a year ago would have freaked me out, but when I thought about it really where has sleeping around got me? If I do want to find a quality man who loves me for me then I have to take sex out of it. Most changes will probably go unnoticed as it is more of an internal change in my way of thinking, me not trying to control my life so much and turning things over to God, which to an extent I have been doing for years. Its one of the steps in AA. I feel much better when I let God guide me life. I pray over things and look for signs, which if you look are there. People are put into our lives at different times, books are suggested to us that have more significance to what we are going through then the person suggesting could have known, I believe that is God working in our lives. I think the bottom line for me is that my will would have me dead, its God's will that I am alive today, so I should listen to Him.

I know

2006-07-25T14:36:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in a while. A lot is going on in my life right now, and I have been thinking about it and pursuing things and haven't had a chance to get my thoughts written down yet and I didn't want to post something just to post something, which is kind of what this is but whatever. I promise sometime this week I will do a very long post explaining where I am in my life right now and what has been going on. Be patient, more will be revealed.

The Stupidity of the Human Race

2006-07-13T18:17:00.000-05:00

So Monday there was this big email and voicemail sent out at work telling us not to release Pirates. Now, me and the other manager were thinking maybe it had something to do with its content, seeing as it is an edited version of a hardcore porn but no. The reason is that they are afraid that people will confuse it with the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie that just came out. Now, seriously, how stupid would you have to be to think that Pirates was really Pirates of the Caribbean. Yes, they made the cover look similar, but the actors on the cover are porn stars. No Johnny Depp, no Orlando Bloom, no Kierra Knightly, just porn stars. Also, we have had this movie in stores for two weeks, corporate had it before that, and the day before it is to be released this just occurs to them? They didn't see the cover when they first got it and say, "hey maybe we should put something on this so that people don't confuse it with Pirates of the Caribbean?" No, they wait until the day before it comes out. Apparently they are having some sticker made to put on it to tell people it is not Pirates of the Caribbean. Sometimes the stupidity of the human race just saddens me.

Pirates

2006-07-10T00:41:00.000-05:00

So I really need to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Anyone up for going with me? I have Tuesday off this week, other than that I am working days all week (execpt Friday) so pretty much any evening I am free.

Priorities

2006-07-07T00:37:00.000-05:00

So tonight I found out that I don't get my one day off of work this week. I was supposed to have a whole Saturday off. An entire weekend day off and I was planning on spending it with my new guy. Silly guy has one of those jobs were he has weekends off and I rarely do. Needless to say I was a bit upset. I was going to have to close Friday night and Saturday night, I already had to close on the fourth and I just plan did not want to close on Saturday. I called up the other manager to see if he would switch shifts so I could at least get one weekend night off and he really did not want to. Now he is the reason why I ended up working every other day this week. He wanted to party on Monday and so I came in and closed. He got to party on the fourth, and he gets his Friday night to go off and party. This seemed to me to be quite unfair. I told him I would close on Saturday, but if I am forced to I will be leaving Blockbuster. This may seem rash, but I really meant it. I have been working for this company for over 2 years and have worked pretty much every weekend and holiday during that time. I think I had Arbor Day off. :) In California it wasn't a big deal. My family was 1500 miles away, I had only a couple of close friends, and the only serious relationship I had out there was my ex and we were living together so the schedule didn't matter so much. Now, I have my family, lots of friends that I would like to be able to spend time with, and a guy that I would really like to be able to spend more time with and get to know better. The first guy I have met in an extremely long time who is really worth getting to know and worth getting upset about not being able to spend a day with. I would probably be less upset if it weren't for the fact that next week I am working 6 days, and my day off is Tuesday so who knows when I will have another weekend day off. The other manager was acting all put out over this too, and really I don't have a lot of sympathy. I have a extra year of shitty schedules over him and like I said, he got to have his holiday and he still gets his Friday night. Now, however, I have started thinking about the future, the big holidays coming up in a few months. Do I really want to have to go through another year of not celebrating any holidays? I did get last Thanksgiving, and that was the only holiday I think I have really celebrated in at least 5 years. When I was in Chicago I rarely made it back to Omaha because I really hated coming back and California was too far to travel back for holidays. I miss having holidays. I miss celebrating Christmas. My priorities are finally shifting from work to family and friends. I can always find another job, probably not one that pays as well, but I could at least get by okay. I have killed myself for this company. I can't count the number of 6-7 day work weeks I have had in a row. The times that I have covered multiple stores and not gotten a day off for almost 3 weeks. I can't do that forever. I can always make more money, but I can't get back the time I miss with my family and friends, so I am thinking maybe its time I start looking for a new job.

Happy 4th of July

2006-07-04T14:07:00.000-05:00

While all of you are having fun and enjoying your day off take a moment to think of me at work telling stupid customers that no, we do not have the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie, its not out in theatres yet. Its not like I am bitter about working today. Its not like there was anything else I could be doing today. Its not like I have a new guy I would have loved to spend some time with, or there was a party I could have gone to, or a new baby to meet. No, nothing going on today, so yeah I guess its a good thing that I am working, otherwise I would have been very very bored all day. Its not like I am not used to working holidays, I am just used to working them 1500 miles away where it really didn't matter to me. I only had a couple of close friends I cared about, very little family in the area, I would have actually been bored on holidays. Now I have a life and would actually like some days off. Hopefully I will have my own store by the time the major holidays come around so I can at least have some say in what I work. I still probably won't be able to have them off, but I can at least work during the day so I have time to spend with friends and family at night. That would be a nice change. Well, I must get ready for work. Again everyone enjoy your day, I wish I could be having fun with you.

I'm just not mean

2006-06-26T22:46:00.000-05:00

I really really wanted to get back at Shawn for all the shit he has put me through over the last year. I had a plan and everything of how I was going to fuck with his head. But I can't do it. I just don't have it in me to be that mean. Not that that is a bad thing, its really a good thing, but still part of me wants him to suffer just a little bit for what he put me through. Ultimately I realized its not my place to decide if he deserves to be punished and it really isn't my place to do the punishing. And, as always, in my heart I forgave him for what he did. Don't get me wrong, I don't want anything to do with him, but I am just not the kind of person who can hold a grudge. I am a very forgiving person. I forgave my ex in California, again I want nothing to do with him after what he did, but I forgave him. I couldn't bring myself to do anything mean back to him either. He choked me and hit me; he stole from me and believe me I had many people asking where they could find him so they could "take care of him." Even though I knew where to find him, I wouldn't tell them where he was. I just wanted the drama to end, and I believe in my heart that someday he will pay for what he did, be it in this life or the next. It's not up to me to reap vengence on anyone. Charges were pressed, a warrant was issued, other than that its out of my hands. After everything I have been through I have learned that the best way for me to get through things like this is to allow myself to feel the pain, work through it, learn from it, and move on.

Relationships

2006-06-23T00:07:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking a lot about my past relationships, what went wrong, what went right and why I am still so willing to put myself out there so completely. So on the what went wrong side I realized that some character traits that make it really easy for people to take advantage of me and hurt me. First, I tend to try to focus on the good in people I will search for it if I have to, which isn't a bad thing, but sometimes it blinds me to the bad things in a person. My ex in California is the perfect example of this. We met, we clicked right away and things were wonderful. I saw the warmth and kindness and love in him and though he wasn't perfect I saw the potential in him to be a really wonderful man. I focused on that and ignored the warning signs of his violent temper. He punched a hole in the wall and pushed me around a bit, and I let it go. I let it go until the night that he exploded and I had to call the cops on him. I just didn't want to admit that he had a violent temper until it was kind of too late. It could have been worse, only a couple of bruises, some broken furniture, and I eventually got over it. It took some time to get over that kind of utter betrayal of trust and there are a few signs here and there that I am not 100% over the entire thing, but I got through it, and I like to think that I am stronger because of it. My downfall with Shawn was hope. He kept playing into the hope, making promises he couldn't keep, talking about a future that we would never had, and he strung me along for almost a year with that. He talked about fate and how we belonged together, how much he cared about me, anything that would keep that hope alive. These traits are bad things to have, just in the hands of the wrong person it can do a lot of harm.
The sad thing that I discovered about the relationships I had that were really wonderful was that they were ones that had a time limit going into them. The guy I went on my 6 week road trip around the country with was a wonderful relationship. We loved each other, had a wonderful time, but because we live in two different states and our lives are too different that is all we will ever had. We are still friends, he has since gotten married and I wish all the best to him. We had a perfect open, honest and loving relationship, that ended with the end of our vacation. Joel is another example of this. We met in London on vacation, fell pretty hard for each other, but because we have always lived halfway across the country from one another, nothing more has ever some of it. We are still close, I talked to him tonight in fact, and we always talk about trying to see each other again, but after all these years it has never happened and now he is going to be shipped off to Korea. What I am not sure about with these relationships is if they were only so good because we knew going into it that it would end so we the little time we had together the best we could, or if it is just so happened that I met guys in far off places who are more like me, open and honest and trusting right from the start. I don't think that I was much different in these relationships than I was in others, and I don't know what would have happened if we had met under different circumstances.
So why do I keep putting myself out there? Even if it was for brief moments, I caught a glimpse of what true love could be, how wonderful it is, and I know I can have that again. That is why I can't go off and be a trophy wife in Chicago as tempting as that offer can be sometimes, but it would be for friendship and convenience, not love. Why should I settle for anything less than true love?

Not too much to say

2006-06-22T00:18:00.000-05:00

Its been a good week. No particular reason, I have just been in a good mood. I went to the zoo today with TJ for a bit. It was nice to spend some more time with him before he leaves. I am really going to miss him and when I gave him a hug goodbye I had to fight back some tears. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like he has, but the selfish part of me wants my friend close by. I actually now know 2 people who will be in Korea. Another friend of mine who is currently in Texas is going to be sent over to South Korea. He is in the air force. So knowing two people over there means I may have to plan a trip over there sometime. I may not ever be able to afford it, but I can dream. I have never been that far from America. So far the furthest I have gone is London. I have been all over the U.S. though. I love to travel and I love having an excuse to go somewhere new and exciting.

I watched Ultraviolet with 1031 earlier in the week. All I can say is it looked really cool, didn't really have much of a plot, but the eye candy was good. I will have the Libertine probably tomorrow if I remember to rent it, so if anyone is interested in watching that with me let me know. The other movies I have right now are mostly chick flicks so I will probably be watching those alone.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week. And TJ again, I love you, I will miss you, be safe and keep us all updated on how things are going!

Its nice to know...

2006-06-17T00:36:00.000-05:00

that despite everything, the heartache, the sorrow and the misery that sometimes comes with my life, that there is one thing that never dies in me: hope. I hope for a better tomorrow, for better things to come. When everything went wrong, I got offered a horse and it started turning things around. I guess I will always be destined to follow my heart even when my head knows that I will more than likely get hurt. Its just the way I am programed. I can't stop it. I knew when I first started talking to Shawn that it would probably end badly, but I couldn't help but follow my heart and see what happened. And yes it ended very, very badly. He hurt me four times over the last year, but I think I finally ended it once and for all. Four times is enough for me to say I am moving on. I may not have done it in a way that everyone approves of, but it worked for me, the weight has been lifted, and I feel free. That is what is really important isn't it?

So I'm bad at updating

2006-06-15T01:09:00.000-05:00

Like any of you are that much better. :P Anyway, what has been going on...well I am getting a horse. A free horse. I rule. My friend's roommate in Chicago wants to give her to a horse person who will spoiler her since she can't use her to drive carriages anymore. She is only good as a trail horse, and that is all I really want to do anymore is have a horse to play with, so it works out well for both of us. I found a barn for her already. It is a little ways away, but great place, right in my price range, lots of land to ride on, so I will probably keep her there. Looks like I will be getting her mid to end of July. I can't wait. Tonight I found out that I might be getting a promotion to SMIT (store manager in training) meaning that the next store that opens up would be mine. I still have to interview for the job. The DL asked if I wanted to apply, but I am not sure if she asked all the ASMs or if she had a few in mind that she wanted to ask about the position or what. Either way, I got asked, I am applying, and if I get it more money for me, which is good since I will soon have to be paying board for a horse and when I finally get around to even looking at apartments I will have to pay rent too. Yeah, I went looking for barns for a horse I don't have yet before I went looking for a place to live myself. You can see where my priorities are.

Hurray for a minivacation!

2006-05-31T02:52:00.000-05:00

Things are getting better, I have the days off to go to Chicago with T.J. next week. At first I wasn't sure if I even wanted to go with how tired I have been and how much time I will be spending in the car, but it is T.J. and it is Chicago and I have been dying to go back there for the longest time now, so I can sleep when I am dead. Chicago is fucking on!! I can't wait. So I am still a little tired and run down, but in a much better mood. After carefully reviewing my schedule this week I only work from 9-3 on Thursday, then I have Friday off so I will be able to relax then, get some shit done, and hopefully get back to my old self. I talked to Shawn today and saw him tonight and that put me in a much better mood, which kind of frightens me that he can have such a drastic effect on me, but there is little I can do about that. Not much else to say, just wanted the depressing shit off the top of my blog.

I'm tired...

2006-05-26T01:09:00.000-05:00

i'm cranky, i'm upset, i just want to give up move to chicago and become a trophy wife. I have been working 6 days a week for going on a month now, and next week I am working 6 days again. My boyfriend is I guess my ex-boyfriend now seeing as he doesn't care enough to call me after a week. I am not allowed to go to TJ's going away party for stupid reasons. It has just been a long, bad week. I am not getting enough sleep and I am depressed and I am so close to giving up. I hate my job, I hate my life, I am just not in a good place at all right now. Stupid people at work are really getting to me and I am about to snap. I am going to go to bed and not get up until shit gets better.

My house is haunted

2006-05-19T03:32:00.001-05:00

So a couple of days ago my mom came home and found some Freedom Park envolopes on the floor. She doesn't remember ever seeing them before, but knowing my mom that doesn't mean that for some unknown reason she had some laying around the house, but the rooms were locked up, no drawers were open and they didn't have any teeth marks from animals dragging them around. Now my family runs Freedom Park and I think always has. I used to work there, but that was when I was in high school and I don't have any of those envolopes; I would have seen them during one of my many moves. There was also a strange odor coming from the bathroom off the den. Now tonight I get home from work and she told me that she got up for a few seconds tonight to get a snack and when she went back to her room there was another envolope on the floor by her door. I went downstairs to my room and noticed two envolopes sitting neatly on the second to bottom step. I told my mom about it, I decided to mark the envolopes so we would know if the same ones were getting moved around and I went into the den and noticed that the odor was back (it had gone away). I searched the house for more envolopes, found none, and spent about an hour or so online. I went down stairs and there at the very bottom of the steps was another unmarked envolope. I am kind of freaked out right now. Where are they coming from? The only ghost (if that is what is doing this and there doesn't seem to be a better explaination for it right now) who would possibly do this is my grandfather. Before he died he was very involoved with Freedom Park. But why do this? What does he want? If the ghost can make things appear out of no where you would think that he could be more specific about what he wants.

Playing with fire

2006-05-17T20:17:00.000-05:00

So my boyfriend upset me last night, like big time upset me. He pretty much ridiculed me for crying over Grey's Anatomy (specifically Denny dying). I watched it (for the second time) over at his place, and was crying by the end, so I went downstairs to get a hug because I was upset, and he called me crazy and psychotic for crying over a fictional character. Now anyone who knows me knows that this is not an unusual occurance. I threw a fit after reading Harry Potter and cried and cursed out the author for killing off my favorite character; I cry every time I watch Rent. Pretty much anytime a character I like dies in a tv show, movie, or book I cry. And what do I do in my spare time? I watch tv, movies and well I used to read books and I am sure I will again soon. So can I be with someone who is going to ridicule me every time I get upset over a fictional character? Can I be with someone who, when I come downstairs just wanting a hug to cheer me up, sends me back upstairs even more upset then I was to begin with? Would I be making such a big deal about it if Shawn wasn't back in my life and single? I am seeing him again tonight, I know 1031, you said stay away, but this is the only night he has free for a while and we can't do anything naughty tonight anyway because well I am a girl and once a month I can't do anything. He is coming over here earlier this time and my mom is home, so nothing will happen. I am not calling my boyfriend for a while which pretty much means we won't be talking for a while since he never, ever calls me, which does bother me some. I know he cares about me and sometimes he shows it, and he can be wonderful when we are together, but I don't know if he is capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. He just doesn't seem to have that kind of love and compassion in him. I mean, yeah, getting worked up over fiction may seem a little silly, but you don't send your girlfriend whom you care about away crying harder than before because you think it is silly. And by the way, Shonda, the creator and one of the writers of Grey's Anatomy cried over Denny. I just read her blog and she cried while writing the scene, during the read through, during the filming, during the editing, and when they mixed in the music. And she created the character knowing he was going to die and she still cried, so I don't really think I am crazy or should be ridiculed for crying. This wasn't cute teasing either, this was how could you be so stupid teasing. It just seemed so heartless to me. Normally I would let it go too. I will put up with a lot to make a relationship work. I let things go that I probably shouldn't. I had warning that my ex in California would get violent with me, which he did, but I let all the warning signs go. I let it go and I shouldn't have. But with this, am I looking for an excuse to leave because of Shawn? I don't know. I just don't know. I do know that anytime things seem to be going okay for a while something comes along to fuck it up. At least I am used to it by now.

Tempting Fate

2006-05-15T02:37:00.000-05:00

Okay, I know, I haven't been posting much lately and when I do it basically says nothing, just that I am busy and not home much, which is true. When things are going well I just don't have much to say. My life in the past month has been uneventful. I spend most of my free time with my boyfriend, and we are not very exciting people. We watch tv or movies, he plays video games and I watch tv or movies that he wouldn't like. That is pretty much a typical night for me, and really I couldn't be happier with it. After all the drama in my life I love spending quite evenings at home with my boyfriend. So why couldn't I leave well enough alone? Why did I invite some drama back into my life? Well, because it is me, and I can't help it. Now before anyone jumps to any conclusions, I did not do anything bad, maybe not the smartest thing in the world to do, but far from a bad thing. Shawn called me the other day, and he sounded upset. He finally broke up with his girlfriend and wanted to see me. I know, I know how this sounds, but I know Shawn and he knows I have a boyfriend so he wasn't just trying to get in my pants, he actually wanted to talk. I agreed to see him. He obviously needed to talk to someone he could trust and be completely honest with and he has always trusted me, and even when it hurts, he is always honest with me. The only thing I knew before he came over was that they had broken up because she was back on drugs, specifically meth, and she was cheating on him. Come to find out that since the break up she has sunk even lower. She is now literally a crack whore. She is selling her body for crack. What the fuck? I truly feel bad for this girl. How fucked up do you have to be to become a crack whore because the guy you were lying to and cheating on dumped you? What did she expect? Its just crazy. Of course Shawn had to keep saying, "see I told you if I broke up with her she would lose it." Now I will go back a few months, when Shawn kept breaking up with her just to get back with her like a week later and how much that hurt me. He explained that while he did want to be with me, he knew that she would not handle the break up well at all, while I was mature and could handle being hurt, which is true. I certainy did not turn into a crack whore. Since he had to pick between hurting me and hurting her, he decided to hurt me even though he would have rather been with me. Believe me I did not let him off the hook. First, he admitted before this that he never thought that she would sink this low. He thought that there would be lots of angry phone calls, text messages, maybe a hate letter and possibly a slashed tire, and while that is still fucked up, I still say he is a pussy for staying with her because he didn't want to deal with that shit. If he wanted to be with me so bad, he would have just delt with it. Second, I pointed out that all he did by staying with her was postpone the inevitable. He never intended on staying with her forever. Sooner or later he was going to have to deal with breaking up with her and it was never going to be good. In fact, by waiting until now it may be worse than if he did it before. If he did it while she was clean she may have handled it better, but by waiting until she was already cheating and on meth then it became a much smaller step to becoming a crack whore. He then proceeded to try to make fun of my boyfriend because he said he hates him on principle. So you may ask, why do I invite this into my life? Why would I invite over an ex boyfriend when I am perfectly happy with my current boyfriend? Well, he is my friend, I care about him, and I have told him that I would always be here for him, and those are not just empty words for me. He obviously needed to talk and I was there to listen. I know I shouldn't tempt fate by seeing him. I don't know how long the friend thing can last. I know I wouldn't cheat on my boyfriend, but seeing Shawn too much could destroy my relationship with my boyfriend. I wish I could just stay away from Shawn completely, but the truth is I will always care about him, there will always be a connection between us. Too bad our timing is absolutely horrible. Oh well, I guess that means that it was probably not meant to be.

So I am still distracted...

2006-05-07T23:57:00.000-05:00

Sorry about the lack of updates, been spending most night's at my boyfriends and while he does have a computer I can use there are more fun things to do then update my blog over there. :) Anyway, not too much new going on. My job is stupid. I am no longer transfering to the store I was supposed to, instead I am working at the same store 2 days a week, and a store a different store 3 days a week. Lame. I don't really like it, but oh well. I still make good money. This week I ended up working at three different stores and only had one day off. Kind of sucked, but I will be happy once I get my paycheck. Oh and the store manager at one of the stores didn't want to give me the day off for Jennie's wedding, and I almost quit on the spot. I have open availablity, I never ask for days off, and this is a big thing. She said because they are doing inventory Saturday night I had to either, work the inventory, or work a shift on Sunday, so I guess I will be working inventory. This is what I don't get though, that is a choice of 3 shifts, there are 4 managers, why the fuck do I need to work? As long as I don't miss the wedding I'm okay, but still, it pisses me off. Well, I should get to bed, I have to open in the morning after closing tonight, again fucking lame. I need to find a new job.

Cops in Omaha suck!

2006-04-26T00:06:00.000-05:00

So I am driving home from work the other day and notice a cop following behind me a little ways. I drive exactly the speed limit, obey every traffic law and a little while later I am being pulled over. His reason? I changed lanes and didn't have the turn signal on long enough before moving over. What the fuck? No ticket or anything, he just wanted to know what someone with California plates was doing in Omaha. Asshole. I really wanted to laugh at him or yell at him or something, but didn't want a ticket. This makes the second time I have been pulled over on the interstate driving home from work for no good reason. At least I have not been given any tickets yet, then I would really be mad.

I've been distracted

2006-04-22T22:30:00.000-05:00

I know I have been bad about posting lately. I have been distracked. I have barely even checked my email lately, but I have not cut back anytime with my friends, which I am thankful for. The last thing I want to do is make my new boyfriend my world and not leave any time for my friends. The great thing about my boyfriend is that he actually encourages me to spend time with my friends. Someday I will have him meet my friends, which I must admit makes me a little nervous. The last time I introduced a boyfriend to the group it was not a very good thing, but my new man is more like us so it shouldn't be a problem. Still, it is worse than introducing a boyfriend to the family in some ways. Mostly because there are so many of us and so many different personalities and everyone means so much to me and their opinions matter to me. So like I said, a little more nervous about him meeting my friends than my family.

So anyway, what has been going on...it was wonderful to see Mr. and Mrs. Poni. They are both such wonderful people, I am glad that I got to spend time with them. I had fun gaming with them and will probably be joining the regular game. Yes, I am a nerd.

Jennie's party was so much fun. Great times, great food, loved seeing everyone, catching up and reliving old times. Seeing Jennie was of course the highlight of the week. We have kept in touch, but due to living on different coasts for the past 2 years it had been sooo long since we had actually seen each other. I even got to see the dress. I must say, she looks gorgous in it. I truly felt honored that I got to be a part of the fitting. I am extremely grateful that our friendship has remained strong through the years and the distance.

I had Easter lunch (due to my work schedule we ate at like 1:30) with my family. My father came over and my brother and his girlfriend came up from Lincoln. It was very nice. My brother's girlfriend is sweet, I really liked her. There is still a lot of distance between me and my brother, but at least there is no tension. I guess it will just take time.

Wednesday night I went down to Lincoln to have dinner at my boyfriend's mother's house. It went really well. She is a very nice lady and parents usually like me. At least they seem to.

Since then I have been watching a lot of movies with 1031 and the T. First was Pirates, which is a very high budget porn. It was great. The whole thing. :) I didn't know you could use a burning candle like that. All I can say is I love being a pirate. The next day I went to Silent Hill with the boys. It was a good movie, probably would have liked it more if I ever played the video game. Still, it was cool. I really liked it. Tonight I watched Final Fantasy VII with the boys over at Rose and Roberts. I liked it a lot more than I thought I would. Since I don't play video games I thought that I would not really like movies based on video games, but these two at least were very well done.

My mother got a puppy yesterday. I found this out when I got home at like 2am last night and there was a kennel by the door that started to bark at me. She has wanted a puppy for some time now, but I kind of think that the fact that her dog likes me more than she likes her made her want a new puppy to love her even more now. Oh well, now I have another animal to play with. No complaints here.

I am now thinking of going back to school to become a veterinary technician. I really love working with animals, I wanted to be a vet growing up, but I am allergic to just about all animals so I desided against pursuing it years ago. Now, my allergies don't seem as bad, and it is what I really want to do, so I figure why not? I still have a lot of research to do in cost and schedules to see if it is really possibly. It may be a little difficult, but with some effort I am sure I could make it work.

So, that should cover everything that I have been up to in the last like 2 weeks. I will try to keep up with posting at least once a week, but I am trying to spend less time on the computer and more time doing things that are more productive. Hopefully I will start reading more soon. I was doing so well in California, but I had fewer friends out there so it was easier to read. I also got longer breaks at work, so there is like almost an hour of reading time a day right there that I am not getting. I should really try to get in the habit of reading at least a chapter before bed. At least it would be something.

My life has improved

2006-04-10T17:53:00.000-05:00

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7
Mind:	7.1
Body:	7.3
Spirit:	7.5
Friends/Family:	5
Love:	6.9
Finance:	7.4
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

I don't know why I felt the need to put this up again, other than to show how much my life has improved in the last week or so.

I finally finished...

2006-04-08T20:09:00.000-05:00

my book that i had starting reading and almost finished back in Febuary. I thought I would never start reading again, but my wonderful new boyfriend (yes I have a new boyfriend) had to do some homework last night for class, so I got to read and when he finished I got to curl up in his arms and finish my book. It was wonderful. My ex used to hate it when I read, my new boyfriend actually encourages me to read. I love it!

mmm cheese

2006-04-06T04:01:00.000-05:00

Cheese Test: What type of cheese are you?

You are a cheese of different shapes, sizes, and textures. You are dependable, generous, and modest. You want to please everyone, but sometimes you have trouble remembering yourself.

These cheeses are made from goat's milk. They come in many sizes and shapes, such as round patties, log-shapes, drum-shapes, pyramids, round loaves, long loaves etc.; their textures vary from soft, but firm like cream cheese to extremely hard. Chevres are excellent dessert cheeses, often served as snacks or before dinner drinks. Goat cheese is often served as an ingredient in many fine dishes. [ Country: France || Milk: goat milk || Texture: semi-hard ]

Why the tension?

2006-04-03T19:47:00.000-05:00

So I learned quite a bit the other night. I wanted to know what tensions there were currently amongst various people in the group, and I certainly did learn a bunch of them. Here is my disclaimer: I will try to be as vague as possible as to not stir up more tension or upset anyone, that is not my intension at all. I do not judge anyone for how they feel, this is simply my point of view on things. I do not take sides, I have no ill feelings for anyone. The only reason I am posting about it is because it was discussed and now it is on my mind.

Some of these tensions I kind of knew, some I had no idea about, and some were from high school still, which I don't understand. 1031 had a post about this a while ago. I guess I just don't understand holding onto high school shit. What is the point? I think we were all very different people in high school, we have learned and grown and matured, so drop the stupid shit said or done in high school already. Its just extra, unnecessary baggage to carry around, you don't need it. Some of the stuff that happened while I was living elsewhere I was aware of, but I never really knew the impact of I guess. People shutting other people out, others doing too many drugs, keeping secrets, not being there for someone, shit like that. What really made me think though, was I did most of these things too. I went away for seven years and never really looked back, didn't keep in touch, nothing. While I was away I became a huge drug addict and almost died. Somehow though, I seem to be welcomed back without much question, which by the way I appreciate more than anything. You wouldn't believe how worried I was about if I would be welcomed back or not. I was reminded that it wasn't like anyone was trying to get ahold of me and I just wasn't responding. I moved and I was busy with school and work. I wasn't purposely shutting anyone out, and if anyone wanted to get a hold of me 1031 and Jen have always known how to. So I guess there was that difference in what I did and what the other person did, but still I pretty much dropped off the face of the earth as did this person, should it make that big of a difference that I was in Chicago and this person was still in Omaha? We still essential did the same thing even if our reasons for dropping out of site were different. As for the drug thing, no one in Omaha, except 1031 who visited me in Chicago a few times, saw what I was doing to myself in my addiction. It is different to hear about what happened to me then to actually be there to witness it. Not that my friends in Omaha didn't witness the begining of the downfall, my committment to a mental hospital before I left, the insanity and drama that was my life, but believe me when I say, it just got worse. No one really shut me out for this, maybe didn't know what to do about me, but I never felt any tension about it. Why get angry at someone else for doing something similar? Yes, it is extremely hard and frustrating to watch someone fuck up their life and not see why they are doing it when it seems obvious to you, but that is on them. Believe me, you can't force someone to see their problems, I tired with my mother, it doesn't work. All you can do is try to be there, try to point in the right direction, and hope that someday they will come to their senses.

I couldn't be more grateful about the second chance I have been given both in my life and with my friends. I guess the only thing I don't get is why everyone else can't have another chance? I know some things are harder to get over then others, but we are all friends for a reason, there is something there other than what ever upset you. Maybe not everyone deserves or wants another chance, but for those who want it and maybe deserve it, why not try to give it to them? Lets try to focus on the good in people and not worry so much about the bad. Everyone is flawed, no one is perfect, we have all done bad things and I think we all deserve to be forgiven.

I'm a Prophet

2006-04-03T17:11:00.000-05:00

You Are a Prophet Soul

You are a gentle soul, with good intentions toward everyone.
Selfless and kind, you have great faith in people.
Sometimes this faith can lead to disappoinment in the long run.
No matter what, you deal with everything in a calm and balanced way.

You are a good interpreter, very sensitive, intuitive, caring, and gentle.
Concerned about the world, you are good at predicting people's feelings.
A seeker of wisdom, you are a life long learner looking for purpose and meaning.
You are a great thinker and communicator, but not necessarily a doer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Bright Star Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Gay cowboys are boring!

2006-04-02T00:07:00.000-06:00

So I now know why they had to use the damn line "I wish I knew how to quit you" on every trailer of the movie; there were not very many lines to choose from. They were not very chatty unlike the gay guys I know in real life. There really wasn't much in the movie that I didn't get from the trailers. The sex scene kind of caught me by surprise a bit though. Not that I didn't know it was coming, just that they were asleep, woke up, it seemed like they were going to fight each other, no kissing or anything, then Heath is fucking Jake up the ass. Jake always seemed a little fruity, but Heath seemed to go from straight to gay in like 5 seconds. I guess I thought there would be more leading up to the ass fucking, but that is just me. I like a little foreplay. The movie wasn't bad. It was very well done, beautifully shot and all, I guess I just expected more. It is probably much better as a book or short story or whatever it was before they turned it into a movie. When the main character doesn't say much its kinda hard to get into his head especially if you are not really in the mood to try. Heath did do a good job, but there is only so much a quite, brooding look can say until you want to ask what the fuck are you thinking? And you don't get to see that much of Jake's life away from the "fishing trips." At least I now know if he was ever able to quit him. The one thing that I did not get from the fucking trailer. I am now going to spoil it, not that anyone cares, no one wanted to see it, he dies. He dies in like the very next scene after he says it. That is how he quits him, by dying. Do you know how hard it is going to be for me at work to not spoil this? I hear that damn line at work about 16+ times a day and anyone who knows me well knows that I talk to random things, objects, the t.v., whatever. At this point that line is already driving me nuts, so at some point I am going to want to scream at the trailer tape for him to just die already. Probably lose my job if I did that though. By the end of the day I will probably be mumbling it under my breath. Stupid gay cowboys driving me nuts. Oh and with all the hype around this movie guess how many copies we have for rent? Seventeen. That is all. I will have to practice the phrase, no we are checked out of Brokeback Mountain. Hopefully I won't slip and say, no we are checked out of the stupid gay cowboy movie.

I didn't need a quiz to tell me my love life sucks

2006-03-30T18:24:00.000-06:00

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.8
Mind:	6.5
Body:	6.8
Spirit:	7.5
Friends/Family:	3.8
Love:	1.4
Finance:	6.1
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Wow, I am not evil

2006-03-27T15:34:00.000-06:00

You Are 20% Evil

You are good. So good, that you make evil people squirm.
Just remember, you may need to turn to the dark side to get what you want!

How Evil Are You?

If it weren't for the drugs and the sex I would be perfectly innocent. :)

Quick update

2006-03-25T18:43:00.000-06:00

So my stuff finally arrived from Cali. Hooray! And my missing paycheck has finally coming, double hooray! I changed my cell phone to a local number. If you want it e-mail me. Right now I am very tired and I am going to curl up with my coffee and watch some movies and go to bed early.

PS Having my stuff means I have my massage table. I can be bribed into giving massages.

It's a good day!

2006-03-20T16:37:00.000-06:00

One of my paychecks finally arrived. Hooray for no longer being dirt poor and finally being able to make my car payment. My other paycheck should be here in a day or so. They are reissuing it to me and sending it to the store. I also found out today that HIM is going to be playing Sokol on May 21st. I am so excited. HIM was the only band I actually paid to go see while I was in California and now I get to see them again, and provided that my other paycheck gets here before Saturday, I shall be taking 1031 as my date. Its the least I can do given all the movies and concerts he has treated me to over the years. If anyone else is interested in going tickets go on sale on Saturday. Right now I get to be in my little nerd heaven as I sit on the computer and watch Firefly, then provided that the weather doesn't get much worse I will be having dinner with my parents. Even with all the snow it is turning out to be a wonderful day. I was reminded today as I was running errands one of the reasons why I came back. People here are just so nice. I had a lovely little chat with the woman at the bank and the woman at Starbucks. You just don't get that so much in California. People were pretty nice to me, but they seemed to be fewer and farther between then people in the midwest. Yeah, I know, there are assholes here too, but the general public is just nicer and friendlier. I missed that. Not to mention all my wonderful friends here, some of whom I still haven't had a chance to see. I must fix that. Stupid work keeping me all busy and stuff. Well, and the fact that I am such a nerd and need to watch Firefly and I spend way too much time on the computer. Oh well, I am happy and that is all that really matters I guess. Even with the snow, it is very good to be back.

Stupid Snow

2006-03-19T20:37:00.000-06:00

I moved to California to get away from the snow, I have been back for like 2 1/2 weeks and now it is snowing. :( At least it isn't really sticking. They already canceled school for tomorrow though, which I don't get. Its not that bad out. Right now, its not even snowing. They are only predicting like 2-4 inches by morning. I guess since they haven't used any snow days yet this year they figured why not? Well at least if it does get bad tomorrow I don't have to go anywhere. Hooray for no work. I am tired and cranky anyway. I need a day off. Hopefully my paycheck comes tomorrow and I will no longer be poor, of course there are those stupid bills I need to pay. They actually want me to pay back the loan for my car. What is up with that? I'm cute, they should just give me the money for free. :) Well almost time for Grey's Anatomy and I really have nothing to say anyway. I'm just bored so I thought I would post something.

Quick updates

2006-03-18T01:07:00.000-06:00

I hope everyone had a fun and safe St. Patrick's Day. I think 1031 and I are going to be watching Capote Saturday night if anyone is interested in joining us.
I think my paycheck situation is finally sorted out. I should be getting one on Monday (the smaller one that I should have gotten today). The missing and quite larger one is going to be reissued, and I should get that one early next week as well, so no more being dirt poor for me. Hooray!!

I have movies...

2006-03-15T01:57:00.000-06:00

If anyone is interested in watching Capote, Derailed, or Everything is Illuminated I have them until Monday. FYI: Capote is the movie Philip Seymour Hoffman just won Best Actor for; Derailed is the Jennifer Aniston and Clive Owen drama/suspense thing; Everything is Illuminated is starring Elijah Wood and he goes to the Ukraine to find the woman who saved his grandfather from the Nazis.

No Day But Today

2006-03-15T01:47:00.000-06:00

So I have been thinking about my issues in relationships a lot and have discussed this with 1031. Part of my problem and why I get hurt so often is because I tend to go with what feels right in the moment, not really concerning myself with the consequences so much. I think this is part of my obsession with Rent. The whole musical is about living in the moment, not being held up but what happened in the past and not worrying about the future so much. "There is no future, there is no past, I live this moment as my last." Of course when everyone has AIDS the whole no future thing is a little more real then when you are perfectly healthy, but in my opinion it is still a good philosophy to live by, and here is why I believe this.
First, the no past thing. Everyone has baggage whether it be from relationships, families, friends, hell life can leave you pretty scared. How I like to look at it is I carry my own baggage; I don't burden other people with it. It is not anyone else's fault that my ex beat me up, that I did a lot of stupid things when I was on drugs, that a drug dealer raped me, etc. I am open about these things, but I deal with them. It has made me a much stronger person. I feel like I can handle just about anything that comes my way at this point. Sure, I may go into hiding for a few days, but that is just me laying my baggage down and taking a break before moving on, which I always do. The point is I don't punish the next person I am with for the sins of what the last person did. It isn't fair to them and it kills a relationship and just causes more baggage.
How I handle the past isn't really what gets me into trouble, the fact that others don't handle it the same way does, but I can deal with that. Its more how I think of the future that gets me hurt. While I do know that my actions have consequence, I don't really worry about them too much. When the whole Shawn thing started back in like September, I knew it really wasn't a good idea. I knew it would end badly and that I would most likely end up getting hurt, but did I care? No. I had to find out for myself. Can I really predict the future? Is it not possible for someone to surprise me? And if I didn't find out for myself I would have always been left with the worst question of all: what if? I hate that question. I don't like thinking that something wonderful could have happened had I only acted. Now, this disreguard for the future does tend to get me hurt, sometimes because I don't think about it enough, and other times because others think about it too much. They don't want to hurt me, or drag me through shit that I don't need to go through. This of course gets mentioned after already starting something with me. What they don't understand is, that is life. I am not stupid. I know people have issues, complications in their life, and if I am part of their life I will have to go through things that are messy. I don't have a problem with that. I can handle just about anything. Life would be boring if i did everything the safe, easy way. And why worry so much about what may happen down the road? Does anyone know what is going to happen a year from now or a month or even a day? No. I figure life is short, why not enjoy the present? Why waste time worrying? Sure, this philosophy tends to get me hurt, but I also tend to have more fun then a lot of people. My life has been interesting to say the least. I don't ever want to look back and say, what if? Right now I really can't think of a single regret that I have. Any mistakes I have made, I learned from and became a better person for them. I have had my share of heartache, but I have also had my share of love. What more could I really ask for? Besides, with the life I have had and the shit I have lived through I will probably end up dying in the most bizarre, random, unpredictable way possible, like a meteor falling on me or something, so why not live each moment to the fullest? Really, what do I have to lose?

Changes

2006-03-12T20:50:00.000-06:00

When did I turn into such a nerd? I remember a time not that long ago when a day off meant going out, getting into trouble, partying, hooking up with some totally inappropriate guy, stuff like that. Now I am looking forward to sleeping in, getting on the computer, watching Firefly all day, and maybe finally finishing my book. That is my idea of a really good day. I hung out with Shawn the other night (yeah I know that is just asking for trouble and more posts on how men suck) but something I really didn't expect happened. I realized that I had more fun crashing nerd night, watching my friends play d&d and then watching Howl's Moving Castle. This realization came as quite a shock to me. I mean I knew I was becoming more tame then I was in the past. Getting off the drugs is a big factor in that, but I guess I didn't know just how much I have changed. I blame Ithiel and 1031. Their nerdiness has rubbed off on me and I don't think there is any going back. I have a blog, I am all into sci-fi and fantasy and anime now, I read all the time, I am always on the computer, I don't get bored when Ithiel starts play WoW when I am over; I am even starting to understand the game a little. Can I be much more of a nerd? At least I am a hot nerd. :)

Well, on a completely different note, I am feeling all nostalgic for my old riding and dancing days, seeing as how I am staying with my mom and there are pictures of me riding and dancing everywhere, so now I am watching old tapes of dance recitals and horse shows. I really wish I could have kept riding. Its one of the few things that I am truly good at. Stupid allergies making it difficult for me to be around horses. Oh well. I guess that is just life.

I found my smile

2006-03-09T04:16:00.000-06:00

Okay, so it took talking to a complete stranger on myspace of all things to finally cheer me up, but I am feeling much better. Still not completely back to my old self, still a little cynical, but better. Men still suck, but at least I found my hope and optimism again, even if they are a little worse for the wear, they are not dead and gone.

I am not having a good week

2006-03-08T13:18:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments on my last post. I have decided not to publish any of them, but I did read them all. I will not be venting to anyone on this matter, no further details will be given except this: this was not the result of any one thing or one person. This was the result of a series of events that occured over a very short amount of time since I have been back in Omaha. More than one person was involved, it has forced me to think about other events that have happened in the past, and it has just been too much for me to deal with. The part of me that was able to bounce back from such things has been seriously wounded and right now I just need some time and space to heal. I am not sure how much time, but for now I am really not talking to anyone. So if you have seen my away message on aim recently it means just that. I am not hiding from some people and talking to others; I am just not talking to anyone right now. The only reason I go onto aim at all is because for some reason my mom's computer only likes me to check my e-mail through that now. So now, I am really done discussing this subject.

In other news, I got accused by a customer yesterday of stealing her $10, which was never handed to me. She came up with movies, one was not going to be free with rewards that day, so she went back to pick out another one. I saw the money in her hand when she left the counter, what happened to it after that I don't know; most likely it fell out of her pocket and someone else picked it up. All I know is I didn't take it. I emptied out my pockets for her and everything. She was still not satisfied. I felt like asking her, after working for the company for two years and handling hundreds of thousands of dollars of over people's money, every penny of which is accounted for, why on earth would I start by stealing her money in front of three coworkers, on camera, on my third day in a store where they actually go back and check security tapes because they don't trust the employees to begin with? In the end I just told her to talk to the store manager. I was not in the mood to deal with her. Then on my way home from work I got pulled over for speeding. For me, going 70 on the interstate at like midnight is driving rather slow, but I guess its not here. Luckily he just let me go and reminded me that I have 30 days to get a Nebraska license and register my car here. Oh and my paycheck still hasn't come yet. I am flat broke. Overall, I have had a really really shitty week. I am just really thankful that I didn't get a ticket last night. If I had I think I may have just said fuck it all and taken the offer to go to Chicago, marry someone I don't love and never have to work again. I am almost to the point of being so cynical that that offer is looking like a good idea.

I give up

2006-03-06T00:13:00.000-06:00

Men suck. I give up on the whole gender. I'm tired, I'm done. And that is all I will say on this subject.

Somewhat Refreshed

2006-03-02T14:39:00.000-06:00

Well, I stayed up a little too late last night, but slept in so I am feeling somewhat recovered from the long trip. The drive wasn't that bad. I just wish I hadn't had my cats in the car then I would have had time for a little sight seeing, would have been able to take my time and enjoy the road trip. As it was though, I felt the need to get to Omaha as quickly as possible. My cats are my babies and when they are with me I feel like I can't ever be away from the car, so any stops were very brief, maybe 10 minutes except the two times I stopped to sleep for 4-5 hours. So I did make excellent time and stayed within 5 miles of the speed limit. My car got the most incredible gas milage. In California I would have to fill my tank every 250 miles. I was stopping every 350-400 miles with a quarter of a tank still left. I was quite pleased by this, especially since I didn't have that much money to spend on gas. My paycheck should be delivered tomorrow, that is if the store manager actually does what she said she would and overnight it to me today when they come in. I'll just have to see if that actually happens.

I am going to start work on Saturday. Originally it was going to be Monday, but with getting here so quickly and their need for managers I said I would start this weekend and they were thrilled. Never hurts to start out on the DL's good side. I will be temporarily working at a store on 24th and Venton, then when they get the other ASM trained she will take that store and I will work at the store over on Saddle Creek, which is the store I wanted. I found out I get to take dance classes for free at the studio I danced at for 14 years, and that is down on 42nd and Center, and finding an apartment in that general area should be easy. Things are working out really well.

Before I left one of my customers gave me a Borders gift card, and now I think I am going to go out and use it. I am looking forward to being able to relax in the hot tub and read a bit, then going out again. I am already more social in Omaha than I was in California.

I have arrived...

2006-03-01T12:29:00.000-06:00

safely back in Omaha. I am tired and I smell, so I will keep this short. All I can say is that was a long ass drive. I made it from Fullerton to Omaha in about 37 hours. I took I-40, so the distance was like 1600+ miles. I didn't speed, I just didn't stop much, or sleep much. My cats were wonderful, never bothered me. My brain still isn't functioning right, so I may give a better update later. This is taking too long for me to write. Thinking is hard. :)

Moving Day

2006-02-27T15:18:00.000-06:00

Well I am just waiting for the movers now. Probably taking off after they are done, so I won't be online for a few days. I will be going through some serious withdrawal. I mean what will I do at night? Drive? I should really get a laptop, then I never have to be away from the computer. Well, I should change into some warmer clothes before they get here. It's all cold and rainy here today. Yuck.

My neighbor is fucking nuts!

2006-02-26T00:08:00.000-06:00

She is going through the dumpster and pulling out shit that I threw out. What the fuck? I told her all the electronic stuff (lamps, dvd player, printer) is broken, the food is all expired, the only shit worth taking out is the ex's old clothes and I don't know why she would want them. Of course this is the same neighbor who gave my roommate used thongs for Christmas so who knows. Just had to share. Back to throwing shit out.

Cleaning House

2006-02-23T23:32:00.000-06:00

Well I just spent the last 45 minutes throwing shit out. Not all of it mine either, in fact almost all of it was my ex's. When we split up I took a carload of shit over to his foster mom's house. That was back in August. And given the circumstances of our split, or rather the fact that he beat me, he was not able to ever get his shit out of here. I hung on to the rest of it thinking I would get it back to his foster mom, but time slipped away and now there is no time to get it to her and pack my shit and do everything else that needs to get done before I move, so it is all now out in the dumpster. It felt liberating, freeing myself of the baggage of that relationship. If I had more time I would have donated the clothes, but I am getting down to the wire here and I am worried about getting the packing done as it is. A few more boxes have been packed, but the kitchen will take a while. I am really not too worried about getting everything done, just nervous I guess. Moving back somewhere I ran away from so many years ago. I know things have changed; I am a different person now, stronger, but still...I don't know. I don't know where I am going with this. I know I am doing the right thing; I know I will be happier back in Omaha; I'll have a better life there, but I will miss California, my friends out here, the warm weather. At least living in Omaha I will be able to afford to come back and visit. Well I am trying to do too many things at once now, so I will stop here. If I don't post again until I get back to Omaha, don't be surprised. So much to do, so little time.

Here is a question...

2006-02-19T01:43:00.002-06:00

When I move what should I change my blog name to? I really can't keep it Caligirl when I live in Omaha. I am open to suggestions. I guess I have a very very long drive ahead of me to think about it; right now I got nothing.

Many Random Notes

2006-02-17T17:57:00.000-06:00

Well I fianlly got the moving company hired. Now I just have to pack. Yuck. I have so much stuff. I really need to go through and throw a lot of it out. I think if I haven't even touched something in the two years I have been living here, then it can probabaly be trashed. No sense in hanging on to something if I don't need it.

So i had missed this last Sunday's episode of Grey's Anatomy because I am a dumb ass and didn't set my VCR correctly. I was so upset. It was the second part of a two part episode. How could I miss it? Luckily the kind people at ABC heard my cries and replayed the episode last night. I was not disappointed. It was better than the first part, still full of intensity but more character driven. I was quite pleased. I think Grey's Anatomy has become my favorite t.v. show now.

I realized that my last post seemed a little down and harsh on the whole day. Don't think that I have turned into a bitter angry person when it comes to love. I needed to vent some of my frustrations, and in order to make the reality of the situation with Shawn feel real I needed to write it, to get it out, let others see it, so I could move on. I feel better after now that it is said and done, and the rest of my day was nice and relaxed.

I now know when my first trip to Chicago is going to be, well not exactly but the dates in which I have to be there. It seems my Rent obsession knows no bounds, and the touring company will be in Chicago from April 5-15. Now I know Mr. and Mrs. Poni will be in Omaha from the 10-15, so my trip must be made before that. I just know that sometime between April 5-9 I will be in Chicago seeing Rent performed live for the 5th time. Of course I am not sure of the dates the Jen will be in town, so if they are the 5-9, then I will have to wait until the next time they tour or the next time I am in New York. Friends still come before Rent.

So I started my fifth book of the year. So far really good. I just found it at Barnes and Noble when I went there to pick up Without You. Its entitled Crazy in Love, by Luanne Rice. The line on the back that caught my attention was, "...when your dreams are in danger of collapsing, it's time to create new ones." I found that pretty fitting considering everything I have been going through. I'm not too far into the book yet. I have only been reading it on breaks. I will probably give a brief review when I am finished with it. It will probably take longer than usual with the move and all.

I went to Walgreens today to pick up some stuff. I ended up finding the Easter Candy and have been gorging myself on sweets ever since. Easter always has my favorite candies. The Cadbury Cream Eggs have always been my favorite. A close second may have to be the Backe's Chicks and Rabbits. I don't know what they are exactly, but they are good.

Physical therapy has been going well. Only one or two session left. My back is feeling so much better, now all the muscles I should have been using instead of my back are all sore, but they will regain their former strength. I really must join a gym when I get back. I used to have dancing and riding and working as a theatre technician to keep me in shape. I have none of those now, so when I do something that used to be easy before, I end up getting injured. Working out a few times a week should prevent that from happening again.

Well, I hope that is everything. May have to do for a while. I am getting down to the wire now. I will be back in less than two weeks!

Happy Fucking V Day

2006-02-14T13:57:00.000-06:00

I hate Valentine's day. Probably because even with all the boyfriends I have had i always seem to be single on this day. The last time I remember having a boyfriend on Valentine's Day I was 16 years old. That is 9 years ago people! That is 8 shitty, lonely Valentine's Days that I have been through. The only one that I have fond memories of is when I was in rehab. How sad is that? I had to be in rehab to have a good Valentine's Day. I was going to make an anti-Valentine's Day endcap at work with movies like Fatal Attraction, American Psycho, Unfaithful, Basic Instinct, movies like that. Unfortunately, we did not have enough of those movies for sale to make my endcap so I couldn't do it. I thought it woud be greatly appreciated. Not everyone is happy on Valentine's Day, and those who aren't are probably alone watching movies and as sick as I am of seeing all those romantic movies shoved in their faces. At least Saw II comes out today so they have something totally unromantic to watch. Oh and Mirrormask is out today too. Excellent movie. Hopefully I will get through the day without crying or feeling too sorry for myself. I might want to spend the day inside though. If I see some happy couple it will take a lot for me to resist the urge to spit in their face. Not that I am bitter or anything. No, not at all. I enjoy getting jerked around by someone i care about. Fucking asshole. Okay, now that that is out I can go on and enjoy my day.

Things are looking up

2006-02-14T03:17:00.000-06:00

I've been really bad about updating lately. Just too much going on. My blog will probably be fairly quite until i move back to Omaha as I will be very busy for the next week weeks, but please don't take me off your links, I will be updating again frequently once I settle in at home. Well, my back has finally been getting better. The physical therapy is really helping. Now my legs ache a lot because I am not used to using them so much. I have to bend my knees now when I want to reach something low, not just bend over. I really over did it on Thursday. I had physical therapy in the morning and then it was so beautiful outside I decided to take a really long walk and listen to my ipod. I ended up walking for like two hours. Then I went to the park, sat by the pond and read for a while with ducks and geese walking all around me. It was a wonderful day. The next two days however I could hardly walk. It was worth it though.

Today I found out some wonderful news. I am definitely getting the transfer to a store in Omaha, and I get to keep my same salary. This means that I will be able to easily make rent and probably pay my bills in two weeks and the other paycheck can go towards savings, or going out or whatever. This is a huge relief. I will probably have a bit of a commute to work. To keep my pay rate I have to work in a high traffic store and those are kind of spread out. One is on 50th and Dodge, two are in Council Bluffs, and the other one is like near Belleview I believe. Worth the commute though for the extra money.

Lately I have also been in full blown Rent obsession. I've watched the movie three times, once with commentary. I watched all the special features including a 2 hour documentry on the writer/composer which left me in tears almost the entire time. In case you know nothing about his story he struggled for years to get Rent going, poured his soul into it, based a lot of it on his life and experiences, and the night before it went into previews off Broadway, he died suddenly of an aortic aneurysm. He never got to see his dreams come true. He never got to see it become an overnight success. He didn't get to accept his Tony awards, or his Pulitzer or any of the other awards he had won. Its just such a tragic story I couldn't help but cry. This is my favorite musical, and it touches me so much that I cry every time I see it. And considering that I saw it performed four times and have seen the movie now five times that is really saying something. Even with the commentary on I was moved to tears. There is such an amazing heart and soul to this show and it has touched so many people. Its so sad to think that the creator of it did get a chance to enjoy his well earned success. I am currently reading (well by tomorrow I will be finished with it) the autobiography of one of the original cast memebers of Rent Anthony Rapp entitled Without You. You may know him as the blond nerdy guy from Dazed and Confused. He also got to reprise his role of Mark in the movie. His story too is touching and a bit tragic. While he was working on Rent his mother was diagnosed with cancer and about a year into its run on Broadway she died. And if you have seen Rent you know its about living while facing a deadly disease. I can't image how difficult it must have been for him to doing this show while his mother was dying. So after watching and reading all of this over the weekend I am emotionally drained. I can't remember when the last time I cried this much. At least its not because of something horrible happening to me, its just because of my overwhelming empathy for others.

Well I guess that is a good enough update for now, i must get some sleep.

Waiting for it to pass...

2006-02-05T22:37:00.000-06:00

I'm miserable. I hate this. My back isn't getting any better, the meds that I am on are making me crazy. Any drug I take whether prescription or not makes me depressed and paranoid. I don't want to do anything. I cry because of the pain; I cry because I am sad and lonely. And because I am an addict I want to solve it by taking more drugs to help me relax, even though I know that the drugs are part of the problem to begin with. I just want to go home. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I guess all I can do is wait and hope that all this passes.

I just want to scream!

2006-01-30T16:04:00.000-06:00

Tuesday morning I get to work expecting that things got done the night before. The carpets were being cleaned so the 2 people who closed were stuck in the store for an extra 3 hours. What did i find when I got there? Not a dammned thing was done. Nothing. Not even the regular closing duties (stocking candy, checking in and running movies, stocking soda, emptying the trash cans etc.) Also, Monday night is when we are supposed to put the new movies out on the wall. This too was not done, which meant I had to do it. This means going through the boxes in the back, finding the movies that go out that day and dragging the boxes out front and putting them on the wall. I got all but the one really big title put out when my back completely gave out on me. I was so frustrated and in so much pain I called up the DL to tell him what was going on and left him a voice mail where I was clearly in tears. He called my back right away concerned, I told him what was going on, that I do most of the work in that store and its killing me, and he promised to talk to the store manager (who closed the night before). It wasn't until 1:30 that someone else came in to help me and by that time I could hardly move. I finished my shift, and went home to rest my poor aching back. The next day, no improvement. Still could barely move and it hurt to sit, stand, walk, anything. By Thursday I had had enough, so after my shift I went to Urgent Care and they gave me a muscle relaxant and told me to take tylenol. I filed an injury report with work on Friday, and took off early to see another doctor who could give me a treatment plan, and now I get to have physical therapy twice a week for three weeks, and can do very little in the mean time. I had to cancel a trip to Vegas, I was supposed to be there Sunday thru Tuesday to see an old friend. I spent a total of an hour in my friend's hot tub yesterday. I have not lifted a thing or done anything remotely hard on my back, and yet the pain is still very much there. I am so pissed off, upset and in so much pain i just want to kill someone. All that anger has been, in my opinion rightly directed at the store manager. If she would have just done her fucking job on Monday night I would not be in this position right now. I almost just up and quit my job on Tuesday when I saw what the store looked like. If I had closed that night the sotre would have looked perfect, and other projects would have been done, but I am responsible, and take some pride in my work. But here I am, stuck at home, half out of it from the muscle relaxant I took almost 18 hours ago, I can hardly do anything, and I have never felt more alone. Living alone is great except when you get sick or injured, then its just really lonely. I can't wait to move back.

Hooray For Me!

2006-01-27T18:37:00.000-06:00

I have two years clean and sober today! The time has certainly flown by. I'll probably post more about it later, got other stuff to do at the moment.

Back to Work

2006-01-22T23:37:00.000-06:00

Well I have had two wonderful days off, and now I have to go back to work in the morning. I actually got a lot done over the weekend for once though. I got caught up on my cleaning, caught up on my movie watching, caught up on my blog, caught up with some friends, I'm caught up on bills; it was a very productive weekend. And best of all my back didn't give out through it all. Now I get to watch some of my favorite tv shows, and get another good night's sleep. Hooray for good weekends. By the way, Flightplan, Corpse Bride, and In Her Shoes were all good movies. I was surprised by In Her Shoes, definitely a chick flick, but a good one. Its about time some good movies started coming out again.

Thats better

2006-01-21T19:47:00.000-06:00

Well I have the entire weekend off. I can't believe it, a whole weekend to myself. I got to sleep in for the first time in a long time. It felt so wonderful and my back isn't hurting me hardly at all today. I guess it just needed me to sleep for like 12 hours and give it a chance to relax more. Anyway, I finally got some cleaning done around the apartment. Took out a lot of trash, straightened up a bit, i am currently doing a couple loads of laundry, and I cleaned out my car. The place is still a little messy, but at least its not embarassingly messy anymore. Now its just clutter, and I think I will save going through that for another day. The rest of the evening is for laundry, reading, and maybe a movie. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

My Back Hurts :(

2006-01-20T23:07:00.000-06:00

A couple of years ago I broke my back. No cool story to go with, it was a stress fracture on the last vertebrae from riding too many horses. I was training them at the time. Anyway, since then I have been having some back problems, nothing major and usually the pain goes away in a few days or a week. For the past month or so I have been having a lot of pain in my low back and nothing I do seems to help it. I have tried everything I can think of, putting heat on it, putting muscle rub cream stuff on it, wearing my back brace, spending time in my friend's hot tub, taking as much over the counter pain meds as I dare. Nothing has helped. I guess now it is time to get some professional help for it. I have been putting off going to the doctor because I am afraid they will just want to give me pain meds and send me on my way and that is the last thing I want. Last time I got pills for my back I went a little overboard and ended up in rehab. Well, it was a lot more complicatd than that, but the pills finially pushed me over the edge. Also, I want more of a cure for my back than a temporary solution for the pain. Tonight was so bad I could hardly stand it. I took as much asprin as I could safely take and it barely helped. I am limited in the types of pain pills I can take now because I am now allergic to some of them. It really sucks. I guess i should go see a chiropractor, they could help my back and can't force pills down my throat. Now if I can just find the time to go.

People Can Be So Stupid

2006-01-19T00:07:00.000-06:00

So I got a call the other day at work. A woman claimed that her home was broken into and someone took her movies. I look up her account, she has a movie pass and about two hours prior someone had come in and exchanged the movies that were on her pass. I told her this and she said it wasn't her and the other people on her account were all at work. This happened while I was at lunch meaning they could very well have wanted to exchange the movies while on their lunch break. It was new movie day, people do that. Anyway she was asking why we didn't know that someone else was using her pass because she is in there all the time, she is the one that comes in with her kids and they play the games. Yeah that really narrows it down for me. I told her that I recognize faces but don't usually match them up to an account, especially if they have a movie pass. Her response, well maybe I should. I told her we have over 3000 active members, I can't remember that many names. I should have asked her what my name was. We have three female employees and we wear name tags and if she couldn't come up with my name in three guess I should have just hung up on her. But I have to be nice, so I put her on hold, tried to talk to the district leader, got his voice mail, told her I left him a message and would do everything I could to get this all straightened out. She had wanted to see security tapes to find out who it was. After I put her on hold she decided it was probably her cousins who did it. I wanted to scream at her, well then why are you wasting my time? Why aren't you bothering them? What do you think I can actually do about this? But again, I have to be nice and I put her account on hold until it could be straightened out. Sometimes stupid phone calls are the only things that amuse me at work.

Random Updates

2006-01-13T21:17:00.001-06:00

So things are moving along with the move. I have about 25 e-mails to go through with moving quotes. Fun night in store for me, maybe I'll go through them tomorrow. I talked to the DL today and he said there are like 3 stores near my mom's house alone, so getting me transfered won't be difficult at all, which is a relief. Not that I was that worried, its just nice to know that I won't be worrying about finding a job once I get back.
Okay, this have to share because it is soo funny. My store manager got married to her boyfriend of one week. They just up and went to Vegas and got married. Did I mention that she is 21 and lives with her parents? Now I have done some reckless things in my time, but at least I was never contractually bound to any of them. Too bad I'll probably be in Omaha when this blows up, it would at least be entertaining. I would like to be optimistic, but come on, she has known him for like 2 weeks now, maybe 3. I think all the sun out here fries peoples brains and being so close to Las Vegas just gets them into trouble.
Here is a question to ponder...why is it that the girls all update their blogs regularly and the boys don't? I am talking to you Ithiel and ComicFan, update your blogs. :) And what happened to Megan? Where did her blog go? Don't you all know that I need contact with people from Omaha? The people out here are all nuts. I have one sane friend out here and she grew up in the midwest so she hasn't been brain fried yet. My neighbor is nuts. You know who I am talking about 1031. She gave my roommate thong underwear for Christmas, and I don't think it was new either. Who does that?
People are starting to get pissed at me for not watching the crappy movies that are coming out. I keep telling them I have been reading and not watching movies, and one customer actually said they should make us watch the movies. Sorry I can't watch every movie that comes out just to tell my customers which ones sucked. I would lie and tell them they were good so they would rent them, but then they come back all pissed off and complaining and I don't want to deal with it. Well I am tired, maybe I'll go watch a movie. :)

Well at least I am a cool nerd

2006-01-11T16:17:00.000-06:00

Modern, Cool Nerd
82 % Nerd, 60% Geek, 17% Dork

For The Record:

A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.

A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.

A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.

You scored better than half in Nerd and Geek, earning you the title of: Modern, Cool Nerd.

Nerds didn't use to be cool, but in the 90's that all changed. It used to be that, if you were a computer expert, you had to wear plaid or a pocket protector or suspenders or something that announced to the world that you couldn't quite fit in. Not anymore. Now, the intelligent and geeky have eked out for themselves a modicum of respect at the very least, and "geek is chic." The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the one you want as your lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks)!

Congratulations!

Also, you might want to check out some of my other tests if you're interested in any of the following:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Professional Wrestling

Love & Sexuality

America/Politics

Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 93% on nerdiness
You scored higher than 86% on geekosity
You scored higher than 16% on dork points

Link: The Nerd? Geek? or Dork? Test written by donathos on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Nothing really

2006-01-07T22:17:00.000-06:00

Well, I have very little to say, not much going on other than work, but its been a while since I posted anything so I felt the need to write. I've been reading a lot which is nice. Read three books in the last month and I am working on the fourth. I forgot how much fun it could be to just sit back and read. Its getting to be an expensive habit though, thank god I have some friends back in Omaha that I can borrow books from. So lately my roommate has been going out bar hopping which amuses me. That life style holds no interest for me anymore and to see the joy she gets out of it makes me laugh. My life may seem dull and boring but at least the people in it really mean something to me and aren't just looking for a good time while drunk. Well, she is moving out at the end of the month so I will get the place to myself the last month I am in town which is nice. I don't mind having a roommate, but its nice to come home to peace and quiet. Well, I am tired and I want to read more tonight, so I will wish everyone a wonderful day!

Arg!!

2006-01-04T00:37:00.000-06:00

I want to get the fuck out of here!!! Work is driving me nuts, I get more and more bitter everyday. I would go into details, but I am a tad paranoid about who may read this and I would like to keep my job; I'll quit on my own terms thank you. Needless to say I am frustrated and can't wait to get the hell out of here. I did finally get to see King Kong today thanks to Blockbuster's Xmas present. I loved it! Everyone kept saying how long it was and I didn't even notice. Peter Jackson did have a little too much fun with the dinosaurs I think, but he is allowed. Wonderful movie, 2 thumbs up and all that. I have one more movie I can go to for free now. Haven't decided which one I want to see yet, probably Narnia. I hear its quite good. Well, I think I will get back to my book, just needed to vent and ramble a little. If anyone cares I am reading Ender's Game on Ithiel's recommendation. Very good book so far. Hopefully I will be finished with it by the end of the week. Its no Harry Potter, but its still very good.

Resolutions

2006-01-02T00:47:00.000-06:00

I wasn't really going to make any this year since I never really keep them or even remember them, but I have nothing else to post about so I guess I can come up with some.

1. When I get back to Omaha I need to find a new sponsor and work a better program. Yes, I have been sober for almost 2 years now, but the steps are there for a reason and I am sure if I worked them it could help me be a better person.

2. Stop letting men walk all over me. I have gotten really bad about that over the years. I let the guys i date get away with treating me poorly and then I end up getting hurt. This is just stupid and needs to stop.

3. Stop spending so much time at home alone. Hopefully I will get out more when I move to Omaha, but I should try to go out more while I am still here too. A little alone time is always good, but I never do anything anymore.

4. I should probably throw in something about my health. I don't really eat much anymore, so I am thin but not exactly healthy. I should do something about that. I need to eat healthier and maybe excersize a little to get into better shape and then my back won't go out all the time.

5. Stop being such a workaholic. Just because I can work 6-7 days a week doesn't mean I should.

I guess that is more than enough. Lets see what I actually stick to. At least now they are written down so I won't forget them.

Moving, definitely

2005-12-29T21:37:00.000-06:00

So I am now offically moving back to Omaha, though I am pretty sure everone knew that. I have moved up the date quite a bit though. Now it looks like I will be moving out at the end of Febuary, so I will be back in Omaha around the first of March. I am very excited, though not looking forward to packing. I keep looking around and wondering how I acquired so much stuff. It will be such a pain to move it all, but well worth it. I can't wait to be back. I am just getting fed up with shit out here, probably becasue I know I am leaving. Work is just killing me, it should be really interesting when I leave. I finally got around to telling people I was leaving and they all told me I can't leave them there. Someone asked if I was having a going away party, which I hadn't even thought of, and he said he would throw me one. I didn't realize how much I meant to everyone there. Its really nice. Not nice enough to make me want to stay, but nice.

Happy Holidays!

2005-12-24T21:27:00.000-06:00

I was going to write a comment on everyone's blog wishing them a Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah, but I have dial-up now so I will just say it to everyone at once. May your holiday be blessed and peaceful. Enjoy spending time with your loved ones and know that I will be thinking of each and every one of you! Be safe and have a wonderful day!

Should I Leave Early?

2005-12-22T00:27:00.000-06:00

I got a notice on my door today saying that since I still haven't come in to sign the new lease they put me on a month-to-month lease, which is more expensive. I have just been working too much and I keep forgetting to go in and do it. I may be able to fix that and go back to the six month thing, but do I want to? I have been saying for a while that I don't know how I will make it through five months wanting to be there and being stuck out here, what if I just shorten it a bit? I could move in March instead of May and then I won't have to wait so long and I still miss winter, well the worst of it at least. Money will be even tighter, but I could make it. I don't know. I think I need to sleep on it and talk to my parents tomorrow.

Now this is more accurate

2005-12-19T22:36:00.000-06:00

Greed:	Very Low
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Very High
Pride:	Very Low

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com

Gee, I am lustful, who would have thought that?

Kind of true...

2005-12-19T20:15:00.000-06:00

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace.
You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions.
You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected.

It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional.
You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others.
While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well.

At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything.
You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams.
You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

I am not lazy and unwilling to work though, I guess it ignored the workaholic answer, and I have lots of aspirations and dreams. Oh well, I guess I can't expect much from a 5 question quiz.

When should you stop trying so hard?

2005-12-18T01:07:00.000-06:00

Things have been going really well with me lately. I am happier, and though still slightly lonely out here, talking to everyone back in Omaha really helps and I am really looking forward to moving back. As I have been getting happier though, my roommate is getting more and more depressed. She too is lonely and unsatisfied with her life, but seems to have no way to fix it. I try to cheer her up, but aside from brief moments it doesn't seem to be helping. After I talked to Shawn last night and filled her in on what was discussed she seemed to get much worse. I know she is happy for me, but I think she is really upset that she is alone and a little jealous that I have him. I keep telling her that the situation is exceptionally hard for me, and it is, and until I get back there I will continue to be lonely and have a longing that is worse than the loneliness, but I don't know if she quite gets it. It seems all I do lately is try to cheer her up, but with little result. I spent most of my day off in my room reading a book and watching Serenity (which I loved and knew would not interest her) and she asked if I was mad at her. Mad, no, dissappointed a little, yes. She called in sick to work today at a job she has had for like 2 weeks with no reason to, and I was kind of looking forward to spending a quiet day alone in my room, which I did anyway. I've earned it. I just don't know how much more I can try to cheer her up with no effect. This has been going on a long time, and I think she liked it better when I was depressed too. Not that she doens't want to see me happy, but its the whole misery loves company thing and I can't stay depressed that long. Even if things weren't going as well as they are, I just don't stay depressed that long anymore. Not since I got clean. A week, maybe two at most is the longest amount of time that I have been depressed in the past two years and I am very thankful for that. I guess I almost had to die before I realized that life was worth living no matter what and eventually I remember that no matter what is happening in my life. I just don't know what to do for her anymore. I wish I did. Its not like I am giving up on her, I just don't know how hard I should try anymore. Is there anything I can really do to make her feel any better? I am kind of running out of ideas here. I've taken her out, stayed in with her, talked to her, read random poetry to her when we got really bored, comforted her, listened to her, I don't know what else to do. I don't know if there is anything else I can do and its kind of wearing me out. Not that I mind that much, I'll do anything for someone I care about, but really when do you stop trying so hard?

Sometimes my job is cool

2005-12-16T21:27:00.000-06:00

I actually had a really good day at work today, even though I threw out my back last night lifting all the cases of soda that were delived, and thus had to come in early and clean the store because the DL was coming in for a district meeting. Customers were nice though for the most part, I found more yellow locks for our movies (I know seems lame but it made me happy), we had gotten in a shipment of XBox 360s the day before and by the time we closed they were all gone (to our preorder customers) meaning I no long have to hear from them and I don't have to worry about having them in the store. Those things are dangerous, people are crazy right now. Also we got our Christmas gift from Blockbuster today. I was afraid it would be another really stupid movie like Elf, but we got 2 free movie tickets. Now I can see King Kong for free tomorrow! Oh, and the DL was happy with the way the store looked, so my effort was not in vain. Our store is also number one in the district, which rocks. So even though I am still overworked a bit, things are getting better, at least maybe my outlook on everything is getting better and thats what is really important.

Bored

2005-12-15T15:37:00.000-06:00

I am just bored and haven't posted in a few days. I am definitely moving back to Omaha in May. I talked more with my parents and now I really want to go back. My mom isn't doing to well. She will randomly get lost going home and her memory is getting worse. With her history it could be a lot of things, but it still concerns me and I should be there for her. California just doesn't feel like home to me anymore. It was a wonderful place to grow and heal, but I proved what ever I needed to prove to myself out here and I am ready to go home. The holidays are making it worse. This is the first time in years that I can remember wanting to be in Omaha for the holidays. I haven't even really celebrated anything in years and now I want to go back and celebrate with my family. Last year I was just concerned with getting through the holidays sober, now that I have done that I want to go back to enjoying the holidays. I am continually amazed how much getting sober has changed me in ways I wasn't expected. My priorities changed, my attitude changed, my whole outlook on life changed. I've grown up and settled down, sometimes I think I am getting boring, but really I don't want to go back to how I was. I could go out more, but for the most part I enjoy staying in. I enjoy watching a movie or reading a book or sitting on the computer. I have no real desire to go clubbing or pick up men, I have had my share (well more than my share but lets not get into that.) I just want to settle down, but finding a guy to settle down with is hard, especially when you don't go out. Well, I don't know where this is going anymore so I guess I will just end it there.

More like I am looking forward to 2006...

2005-12-12T15:58:00.000-06:00

Your 2005 Song Is

Mr. Brightside by The Killers

"It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss"

Let's just say you're happy to be done with 2005!

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

Ramblings...

2005-12-11T00:07:00.000-06:00

The thought keeps running through my head, "how am I going to make it through the next six months." I am just not happy anymore. I am lonely. I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss Shawn. What am I doing out here? Sure, I love that I just went outside to get my mail barefoot and in a tank top and its the middle of December, but what is that really worth? I do nothing out here, and part of me wants to move on, start dating again, make new friends, and part of me says what is the point? I am just going to leave in a few months anyway. My life is in limbo right now. This is sounding all depressing, and I am really not depressed anymore, just lonely. I had a good day at work. I really do enjoy my job, but I can do the same exact thing in Omaha. I would miss the people I am working with; we have a great staff right now, but I might be getting transfered to another store closer to home anyway. The DL wants to "shake things up a bit." Translation: I do my job well and I need to help out at stores that suck. Its kind of a compliment, but it means more work for me, and probably me having to go in and be the "bad guy" who plays by the rules and expects everyone to do their job. The first store he wanted to move me to is a total disaster; I worked there last night and frankly Blockbuster couldn't afford the minimum salary I would accept to work in that hell everyday. Its in the fucking ghetto of Orange County, half the customers don't speak English, the staff are all lazy, they steal, and the store is always a mess, and I would have to come in be the "bad guy" and make people work, report the theft, get people fired, and pretty much be hated there. No thank you. Sometimes it sucks to be responsible. I can't not do my job well; its just not in me. When did I change so much? I can remember when I swore I would never live in Omaha again, now I can't wait to go back. I can remember not being that responsible, just doing a good enough job to get by and be liked, now I've got responsibility coming out of my ass, and I keep getting promoted. I can remember when me not ever being home meant I was out partying, now it means I work too much, and when I am home all I want to do is relax and watch a movie. When did my life get so dull? When did I grow up? Probably started about two years ago when I stoped doing drugs. I can't believe its been almost two years. Where did the time go? I am surprised I managed to stay clean for this long and through all the shit that has happened to me in the last two years, yet its almost been easy. Its easier now for me to deal with life than hide from it. Its easier for me to move on rather than to drown my pain in alcohol and drugs. I learned the hard way that if you don't deal with things right away it will come back even years later and bite you right in the ass. I don't really regret a thing from my past though. I needed to go through all of it in order to get where I am today, and besides being lonely, I am really happy with with who I am now and where I am at, emotionally that is, not physically.

Well, if everyone else is doing it...

2005-12-08T22:37:00.000-06:00

End of 2005 wrap-up

1) Was 2005 a good year for you?
It had its moments

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
Going back to Omaha for Thanksgiving

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Coming back to California after that trip; I was depressed for a week

4) Where were you when 2005 began?
I don't even remember, no where exciting obviously.

5) Who were you with?
I don't know, if I wasn't with 1031 I was probably alone

6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?
Work then home with my roommate being boring

7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
My roommate Erin

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005?
um, i don't remember if I had any, if it was to not relapse then yes

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
not yet

10) Did you fall in love in 2005?
yes, twice if you count falling back in love with someone I was in love with years ago

11) If yes, with who?
Jayson and Shawn

12) If yes, do they know?
yes and yes

13) Are you still in love with them?:
Jayson-no, Shawn-yes

14) You regret it?
Jayson-yes, Shawn-no

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
yes

16) Did you make any new friends in 2005?
my roomate Erin

17) Who are your favorite new friends?
Erin

18) What was your favorite month of 2005?
um, I don't know

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005?
no

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2005?
Nebraska and Iowa, I think that is it this year unless you count layovers and I don't

21) Did you lose anybody in 2005?
my grandfather died and I lost a fiance, but I am better off without the latter

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
a few people very much

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005?
Rent

24) What was your favorite song from 2005?
um, Wings of a Butterfly by HIM is the only thing coming to mind right now

25) What was your favorite record from 2005?
Dark Light by HIM

26) How many concerts did you see in 2005?
2

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005?
I guess I will put the HIM concert at number one

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
not at all

29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2005?
not one unless you count over the counter shit taken very rarely

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2005?
Do I actually have to answer that?

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
no, but I regret a few things

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
I'll never hurt you from my ex

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
not so much badly, but I could have handled a few situations better

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
oh yes

36) How much money did you spend in 2005?
way too much, fucking rent is way too high out here, can't I just sing a song and not pay it?

37) What was your proudest moment of 2005?
getting one year sober in January

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
don't remember any

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be?
not saying what I said to 1031 before he left

40) What are your plans for 2006?
moving back to Omaha

Moving, probably

2005-12-07T13:05:00.000-06:00

Well after talking to my parents and finally talking to my ex it looks like I will be moving back to Omaha right before Jen's wedding. That is when my current lease ends and I have to be back for the wedding anyway so it seems like the perfect time to go back. I still have plenty of time to change my mind, and this decision is not based on any promises made by my ex; he made none. The only thing really said was that we both really miss each other and we love each other and if I moved back we would probably end up together. I am not counting on it and its not the sole reason for the move. I miss all my friends in Omaha, I miss my family. My mom is off of drugs for the first time in many many years and it would be nice to be around and have real relationship with her. I missed out on a lot when she was using and I was using. you can only mend a relationship so much from such a distance. It would also be a lot easier to live out there. My entire paycheck wouldn't be going to rent anymore. When I first move back I won't even be paying rent, I'll be staying with my mom for at least a month until I can find a place of my own. I might even be able to go out and do things with friends. I do nothing here. Never go out, just stay in watching movies. I have like 3 friends here, and while they are absolutley wonderful, I am still rather lonely. This way I can actually see my friends in Chicago too. A 7-8 hour drive in nothing compared to a what 5-6 hour flight with layovers, having to get to airports like 2 hours early, a two hour time change, oh and a ticket cost of like $300 at least. Its no wonder I haven't made it back since I moved to California. I said before that I was going to follow my heart and my heart is pulling me strongly back to Omaha.

Feeling Better

2005-12-06T20:24:00.000-06:00

Well, I had my first day off in who knows how long. I slept in, watched a movie, fucked around online, and I am feeling much better about things. I won't have to work tomorrow either since the store manager never got back to me so I get another day off the relax. I think that is what I was really missing, some me time to do nothing with. Things are still weird on the relationship front, but not much I can do about that besides try to move on and know that whatever is supposed to happen will happen. There must be some plan for my life, I mean no one swallows 150+ pills and lives to tell about it without some purpose right? At least that is what I tell myself when I get down. There is a reason for me to be here. I just wish I knew what it was. And if it is working for blockbuster than that is a shitty fucking reason! I guess I have to just follow my heart and see where that takes me.

I'm insane

2005-12-05T00:45:00.000-06:00

This week I am supposed to actually have 2 full days off in a row, and what do I do? I told another store looking for managers that I would be able to fill some shifts. What is wrong with me? I am so tired, I need the time off, but I don't want to be alone with my thoughts for two days. I guess all I can do is hope that the store manager calls tomorrow and says she no longer needs any help. Yeah and I might grow wings and fly. Fucking job is sucking out my soul or maybe I am just sick of my life in general. I don't even know what I am saying anymore; I need to go pass out now. I was just so happy to have a decent connection I felt the need to post something. Hope everyone else is doing better than me right now.

Superhero

2005-12-02T21:50:00.000-06:00

Your results:
You are Supergirl

Supergirl		80%
Wonder Woman		75%
Robin		57%
Superman		55%
Hulk		50%
Batman		50%
Green Lantern		50%
Spider-Man		45%
Catwoman		45%
The Flash		40%
Iron Man		30%

Lean, muscular and feminine.
Honest and a defender of the innocent.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

Is this because I wear a thong?

My Headstone

2005-11-30T20:35:00.000-06:00

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Rent (again)

2005-11-29T22:00:00.000-06:00

So I went and saw Rent with my roommate, and yes I cried again, though I was much better about the talking during the movie. I think that is mostly a thing between me and 1031. I have also read a few reviews about Rent that have kind of pissed me off. One stated that they didn't understand putting Seasons of Love a the begining of the movie with just the cast on stage singing it and that it didn't fit. While yes, for a movie this may be an odd move, but for anyone who actually say the musical they would know that that was how the second act opened. It was just the cast on stage singing the song, and it makes sense for a musical. Now Seasons of Love is one of the best songs in the show and is reprised a few times in different songs so they couldn't get rid of it and you can't just jam it in the middle of the movie, so putting it in the begining makes perfect sense to me. Another review didn't like the fact that the cast got older. Well, if you really think about it no ones age is given except Mimi's (19) and Collins is a college professor and Joanne is a lawyer, so the absolute youngest they can be is 25, and you get the impression they have had their jobs for a while, so now they are in their late twenties to early thirties and no one in the cast was too old to play that. Besides we have 25 year olds playing kids in high school all the time on television and no one says anything, so the critics can just stop with the age thing. The one that really got to me though was someone who seemed surprised that Jesse L. Martin could really sing. They obviously did not do their research; he was in the original cast, his background is on broadway, just because they only knew him from Law and Order doesn't mean that is all he can do. Many critics also made it a point to compare it to Chicago and say that the movie did nothing to revive the show. It seemed like the movie wasn't flashy enough for them. Well, its about life below the poverty line in New York and most of the characters have AIDS, nothing to get flashy with. It was never meant to be a flashy show. It was meant to be real. The magic is in the heart and soul of the songs, not flashy sets and costumes. It was also said that the story is not timeless, that it was dated to when AIDS was a death sentence. Well, while advances in medicine have made it possible to live a lot longer with HIV, last I heard people where still dying of it. Besides the main themes are about love and living for today and as far as I know, those themes are timeless. It was also said that the show lost its shock appeal because gays are everywhere now, well I doubt Jonathan Larson had shock appeal in mind when he wrote it. The characters are meant to represent those who were most effected by aids in the early 90s, meaning gays and drug addicts, which the characters are. Well, except the nice Jewish boy, but he doesn't have AIDS. Most of the critics on of this movie need to get their heads out of their ass. Stop comparing it to other things and let it be what it is; a wonderfully moving show with beautiful songs about life, love, loss, and living for today.

Fuck Dial-up

2005-11-29T17:05:00.000-06:00

So I am home, and haven't gotten around to turning the cable internet back on, and again this is my one day off this week so there is no time to do it. I just want to say fuck dial-up and fuck aol!!! I can't get a decent connection, I get cut off every few minutes and it is really starting to get to me. If I am not commenting or posting much, now you know why. I had a wonderful time back in Omaha. In fact it was the first time ever that I was actually quite sad to leave. I just didn't want to go, I didn't want my visit to end, and now I don't want to be in California. I had a wonderful time seeing 1031 and Ithiel, I didn't realize how much I had missed both of them. After not seeing 1031 for 9 months or Ithiel for like 6 years, both friendships were just picked up where they had left off and it was extrememly comfortable. Being in Omaha felt like being home for the first time since I left, complete with some relationship drama. I can't stand the way things were left between me and my ex. He is with his girlfriend again because he got harrassed by her, her parents, his parents, his friends, and his sponser. Now I can understand caving under that much pressure, but I could move on with my life if he just loved her and wasn't with her out of obligation. She was there for him when he went through surgery and was close to death. That is wonderful and a good reason to keep her in his life, but he doesn't love her, isn't attracted to her anymore, and she annoys him. He has no problem cheating on her. I was kind of hoping I would go back and that spark just wouldn't be there anymore, but I was wrong. After seven years its still very much there and now I can't stop thinking about him and its making my life here miserable. I don't know what to do, if I should just get over it and move on, or if I should move back to Omaha in 6 months when my lease is up. I could live a lot cheaper in Omaha, I would be close to my friends and family, and I would be a lot closer to Chicago as I miss a lot of people there terribly as well and can't afford to ever go back just for the heck of it. Living in Omaha I could probably get back there at least a few times a year, lord knows I have done that drive plenty. I just don't know. I swore I would never move back to Omaha, but its not like I am doing anything in California that I can't do in Omaha. I just pay a lot of money to be in a much nicer climate. My allergies don't bother me at all out here, I do have some wonderful friends here. I would miss it, but I don't know if that is enough to keep me here anymore. I have a lot of thinking to do.

Literature

2005-11-25T13:53:00.000-06:00

Shakespeare: Sonnets. Everyone has heard of you,
and almost everybody can find something
touching in you. You are calm and control
yourself, even though your wisdom and your
messages are no lesser than those of others.

Which literature classic are you?
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Thanksgiving

2005-11-24T16:23:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving! My mother is already driving me nuts, but I guess that is just part of the holiday. I will be back at my safe distance of 1000+ miles away in a few days. I am glad that it isn't too horribly cold here. Yesterday was nice, I nice little transition from my nice warm climate. Well I guess I can't hide in here from the family forever huh? Though it is a nice break. It is times like these when I wish I could still drink. Family is so much more tolerable when I am a little tipsy.

Rent

2005-11-24T16:12:00.000-06:00

My long wait has ended and I finally got to see Rent last night with 1031. Wow, I loved it!! Well worth the wait. I can't say it is better than the broadway show, but it does do it justice and that is saying a lot. I was somewhat able to contain myself from singing throughout the entire movie. I mostly mouthed the words to the songs. I did however quote most of the movie because lines that were sung in the musical were spoken in the movie. I did cry like the little girl that I am at a couple of scenes. I couldn't help, I knew it was going to happen. No matter how many times I saw the show live and how many times I listen to the music, every time I see it I cry. I can't wait to see again with my roommate when I get back to California, and then watch it again and again when it comes out on dvd. I would still rather see the show live, but with ticket prices being like $50 each, I think I can settle for the movie. I would do an actual review, compare and contrast but its Thanksgiving and I am full of turkey so maybe after I see again I will do that.

One day left...

2005-11-22T14:30:00.000-06:00

Until I return to Omaha. Looking forward to seeing my family and some friends. Not really looking forward to the cold. I am spoiled out here in California, its been in the upper 80s and low 90s the past few days. I'll try not to complain too much about the cold. Its also one day until Rent. I can't wait!! Been listening to the original broadway recording for the past week now. I'll do my best not to sing along in the theatre 1031! May have to bring some duct tape for my mouth though. I just love this show so much. I saw it in London, New York, and Chicago and now most of the original cast is back for the movie. I am so excited. I loved the quote I saw on one of the sites about why only 5 of the 7 cast members returned. It said something like these people (the original cast that is in the movie) are as young and in shape as they were when they first stepped on the stage. In other words the original Mimi and Joanne have gotten old and fat and we couldn't put them in our movie. It looks like who they got to relace them will be great though. Too bad the cable internet is down, I miss my daily Rent trailer. Dial up is too slow to try to watch it, it just pisses me off. When I get back into town I'll have to get that back up. Well, much to do today. I'll see some of you soon!

Another Long Week

2005-11-21T06:10:00.000-06:00

So in the past two weeks I have worked about 110 hours at two different stores. A lot of that time I volunteered to work, and I will be very happy once that paycheck gets deposited, but right now I am pooped. I went back to my store tonight after working at a different store all day. Why all the hours? Because big time corporate people are coming in to the stores and they must "sparkle." I spent a good part of my evening cleaning out candy bins. Oh the fun I had. And now I have no cable, which means no high speed internet. It was all in the ex's name so I just didn't pay the bill and didn't really have the money, so on my day off before my trip to Omaha I get to run around and have them change it to my name so I can start with a clean slate and not have to pay the back $200 that is owed. Thank you asshole ex for giving me months of free cable and internet, but now that time has ended and I must pay my own bills. At least with all these hours I can afford it. I am looking forward to my little trip to Omaha. It will be nice to be 1000+ miles away from work and seeing my family and friends again. 1031 it looks like my mom will be too busy to see Rent with me, so if you can be talked into going I would love it! If anyone else is interested in seeing me while I am in town my email is in a comment on the previous post on this subject. I still haven't heard back from you Ithiel. I would love too see as many people as I can! I miss you all!! Well, its way past my bed time. Hope to hear from you soon.

Its almost Harry Potter time!

2005-11-18T00:48:00.000-06:00

Ha ha I have now gotten my new roommate into Harry Potter and she will be joining me tomorrow night to see it. So I guess if you want nothing to do with Harry Potter ever you cannot live with me. I was asked to once again work a double shift at Blockbuster on Saturday and then open again on Sunday, and when I said I couldn't because I have to see Harry Potter on Friday night my store manager laughed at me. Hey I have priorities. There are very few movies I spend the money to go see in the theatres now that I can see them for free like 4-6 months later. I think this year I have seen a total of 3 movies in the theatre. One of course was Star Wars, another was The 40 Year Old Virgin, which I did not pay to see, and the other was The Jacket and I saw that only because a bunch of friends were going. So needless to say I am very excited for this movie. Oh and for Rent which is just a few days later. I have pretty much been listening to the soundtrack for Rent for the past two days straight. This is another movie my roommate would never have thought twice about until living with me. Now she is almost as excited about these two movies as I am. Its scary how much influence I have over people. Now If I could just channel that power into something other than seeing movies who knows how far I could go.

What I do with a day off

2005-11-14T20:31:00.000-06:00

So I have just today off of work this week and what do I do? Laundry, cleaning, watching movies...no. I figure out how to put pictures on my blog and how to add links. (Thanks again Ithiel.) Oh and I paid bills. That was fun. I spent over $400 in one hour just so my car won't be repossessed and I can have a phone, water, gas, electricity, etc. At least I got to sleep in. I was a complete vombie yesterday. Oh here is a fun story from work. A guy comes into the store to return some movies. He then tells me he returned a game for a friend and it had the wrong game in it and would like it back. I told him sure, where is our game? He said he didn't have it, but wanted that one still. So in short he 1) didn't rent the game 2) didn't own the game that was returned and 3) didn't have our game. He threw a fit when I wouldn't hand over the game. He wanted the number to my boss, complained about my customer service, and asked several times why I was making it so complicated. I don't really see the complication, return our game and I will give you yours or really your friend's game. Not complicated. He was told on the phone the previous evening that we would gladly swap the game for him. Apparently he does not understand what the word swap means. Another customer came in shortly after and asked if he could exchange a game he rented because he didn't like that one. I asked him if he understood the concept of the rental system. He didn't appreciate that too much. Sometimes all I can do is sit back and laugh at the stupidity of my customers.