Another Amends

This time specifically to my former roommate. Anyone who reads this probably has read the recent post and subsequent comments left on his site, but I wanted to apologize again on my site for my comment made to him upon his telling me of his departure from California and any and all pain that I have caused him. It was a horrible, inexcusable thing to say to someone who has meant so much to me over the years. It was said in the heat of the moment with a lease hanging over my head. It wasn't until after he was gone that I knew how miserable he was out here, and by that time it was too late. All I want for my former roommate is for him to be happy with his life, which he seems to be now. That is all I want for anyone I care about, and any of my friends that are reading this that I haven't actually spoken to in years that applies to you too. Life is too short to not be happy in the moment. Sure everyone has times when they are down or depressed, but if it is an ongoing thing, do what is necessary to change the situation, but now I am getting off point. I was thrilled that my comment on his page was so well met. I really didn't know how he would react to it, but it seemed like he reacted well, and though I do not expect forgiveness right away, we seem to be on the road to communication for the first time in a long time and that is a huge step. I do hope that one day he will forgive me and that our friendship is not lost forever, but for now I am very happy with the steps that have been taken.
As for the pain that was caused for the relationship thing, that is a much harder issue to deal with. It was never fully discussed while he was living here, and until afterwards, again I had no idea the pain it caused him. My only explaination for my actions is that I was getting clean for the first time in my life and my feelings were coming and going and were confusing even to me. It is recommended in the program not to date for the first year of recovery for this reason, but it was always said for the benefit of the person getting clean and the possibility of relapse. It never occured to me the damage that may be done to the other person. Addicts are very self centered in nature, and I have been guilty of this, but it is something I am trying desperately hard to work on.
Now I want to make this clear, I am not trying to defend or excuse my actions. I am only trying to explain some of the reasoning behind them and apologize for the effect they had on my roommate. I just really felt the need to own up to my part in things and pray that someday he can find it in his heart to forgive me.