Ramblings...

The thought keeps running through my head, "how am I going to make it through the next six months." I am just not happy anymore. I am lonely. I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss Shawn. What am I doing out here? Sure, I love that I just went outside to get my mail barefoot and in a tank top and its the middle of December, but what is that really worth? I do nothing out here, and part of me wants to move on, start dating again, make new friends, and part of me says what is the point? I am just going to leave in a few months anyway. My life is in limbo right now. This is sounding all depressing, and I am really not depressed anymore, just lonely. I had a good day at work. I really do enjoy my job, but I can do the same exact thing in Omaha. I would miss the people I am working with; we have a great staff right now, but I might be getting transfered to another store closer to home anyway. The DL wants to "shake things up a bit." Translation: I do my job well and I need to help out at stores that suck. Its kind of a compliment, but it means more work for me, and probably me having to go in and be the "bad guy" who plays by the rules and expects everyone to do their job. The first store he wanted to move me to is a total disaster; I worked there last night and frankly Blockbuster couldn't afford the minimum salary I would accept to work in that hell everyday. Its in the fucking ghetto of Orange County, half the customers don't speak English, the staff are all lazy, they steal, and the store is always a mess, and I would have to come in be the "bad guy" and make people work, report the theft, get people fired, and pretty much be hated there. No thank you. Sometimes it sucks to be responsible. I can't not do my job well; its just not in me. When did I change so much? I can remember when I swore I would never live in Omaha again, now I can't wait to go back. I can remember not being that responsible, just doing a good enough job to get by and be liked, now I've got responsibility coming out of my ass, and I keep getting promoted. I can remember when me not ever being home meant I was out partying, now it means I work too much, and when I am home all I want to do is relax and watch a movie. When did my life get so dull? When did I grow up? Probably started about two years ago when I stoped doing drugs. I can't believe its been almost two years. Where did the time go? I am surprised I managed to stay clean for this long and through all the shit that has happened to me in the last two years, yet its almost been easy. Its easier now for me to deal with life than hide from it. Its easier for me to move on rather than to drown my pain in alcohol and drugs. I learned the hard way that if you don't deal with things right away it will come back even years later and bite you right in the ass. I don't really regret a thing from my past though. I needed to go through all of it in order to get where I am today, and besides being lonely, I am really happy with with who I am now and where I am at, emotionally that is, not physically.