Why the tension?
So I learned quite a bit the other night. I wanted to know what tensions there were currently amongst various people in the group, and I certainly did learn a bunch of them. Here is my disclaimer: I will try to be as vague as possible as to not stir up more tension or upset anyone, that is not my intension at all. I do not judge anyone for how they feel, this is simply my point of view on things. I do not take sides, I have no ill feelings for anyone. The only reason I am posting about it is because it was discussed and now it is on my mind.
Some of these tensions I kind of knew, some I had no idea about, and some were from high school still, which I don't understand. 1031 had a post about this a while ago. I guess I just don't understand holding onto high school shit. What is the point? I think we were all very different people in high school, we have learned and grown and matured, so drop the stupid shit said or done in high school already. Its just extra, unnecessary baggage to carry around, you don't need it. Some of the stuff that happened while I was living elsewhere I was aware of, but I never really knew the impact of I guess. People shutting other people out, others doing too many drugs, keeping secrets, not being there for someone, shit like that. What really made me think though, was I did most of these things too. I went away for seven years and never really looked back, didn't keep in touch, nothing. While I was away I became a huge drug addict and almost died. Somehow though, I seem to be welcomed back without much question, which by the way I appreciate more than anything. You wouldn't believe how worried I was about if I would be welcomed back or not. I was reminded that it wasn't like anyone was trying to get ahold of me and I just wasn't responding. I moved and I was busy with school and work. I wasn't purposely shutting anyone out, and if anyone wanted to get a hold of me 1031 and Jen have always known how to. So I guess there was that difference in what I did and what the other person did, but still I pretty much dropped off the face of the earth as did this person, should it make that big of a difference that I was in Chicago and this person was still in Omaha? We still essential did the same thing even if our reasons for dropping out of site were different. As for the drug thing, no one in Omaha, except 1031 who visited me in Chicago a few times, saw what I was doing to myself in my addiction. It is different to hear about what happened to me then to actually be there to witness it. Not that my friends in Omaha didn't witness the begining of the downfall, my committment to a mental hospital before I left, the insanity and drama that was my life, but believe me when I say, it just got worse. No one really shut me out for this, maybe didn't know what to do about me, but I never felt any tension about it. Why get angry at someone else for doing something similar? Yes, it is extremely hard and frustrating to watch someone fuck up their life and not see why they are doing it when it seems obvious to you, but that is on them. Believe me, you can't force someone to see their problems, I tired with my mother, it doesn't work. All you can do is try to be there, try to point in the right direction, and hope that someday they will come to their senses.
I couldn't be more grateful about the second chance I have been given both in my life and with my friends. I guess the only thing I don't get is why everyone else can't have another chance? I know some things are harder to get over then others, but we are all friends for a reason, there is something there other than what ever upset you. Maybe not everyone deserves or wants another chance, but for those who want it and maybe deserve it, why not try to give it to them? Lets try to focus on the good in people and not worry so much about the bad. Everyone is flawed, no one is perfect, we have all done bad things and I think we all deserve to be forgiven.
posted by AliKat @ 4/03/2006 07:47:00 PM
7 comments
7 Comments:
I kinda think I know who you're alluding to, and if I'm right, I haven't seen him/her/it for quite a while, myself.
That was always part of my problem, when I'd come visit you in Chicago. I'd see how you were doing, what you were doing to yourself, and I was always concerned and worried, but I never knew what to do or say about it.
Of course, there probably wasn't anything I actually could have said or done that would have been helpful, but that feeling of uselessness would follow me like a black, angry rain cloud back to Omaha.
I always wanted there to be something I could have said that would have pulled you off the path you were on, but, you know, I've never been good with words.
But, anyway, as you said, what's passed is the past. I can't think of a single grudge I'm holding against anyone right now (except for the idiot president, but that's an entirely different post). And I like to think I've garnered no ill will from anyone.
Life ain't all that bad, huh?
Forgiveness is much more difficult to give than acceptance, even then acceptance is difficult when you hold an ideology of how things should be/how you want them to be compared to how they are. I also think that when sheltered from life experiences (not to say that life has not had an effect, there is a history unknown), such as not fully experiencing life simply because to you do not put your\self in difficult situations, you tend to get an idealized pov. I understand your greivence and I know that you just needed to express your pov and feelings to more or less a situation that we all know about (cept you) somewhat intimately, but realize that our friends have not sat by; attempts have been made and they may have had positive or adverse effects but we (royal we) have attempted to heal wounds (myself, greatly, included). I believe that aside from a small attempt here and there, all we can do is accept and prehapes let time do its job.
Simalar to monkeys, humans learn by watching and observing others and I only hope that that ingrained, primal, instinct will take effect. The problem with this is that we as humans, have free will and ideas of our own and these instincts are easily surpressed if you resist against them.
I do understand that attempts have been made, people don't just sit back and do nothing about it, and i didn't mean to make it seem like I thought people weren't trying. I guess I am frustrated at the stubborness of people in general. When 2 not so stubborn people get in similar situations they are able to resolve it easier. 1031 and I had a horrible falling out a year ago and we were able to move past it. I guess I just wish everyone could have the same ability to forgive that the two of us have. What we did to each other may be considered by some as unforgivable or at least very hard to forgive, yet we did and I am so grateful for it.
1031, I am so sorry you had to witness my downfall. Just be thankful that you saw bits of it and not whole, it was much uglier. And you are right, there probably wasn't anything you could have done or said to change what happened to me. Drug addiction needs to run its own course and nothing can be said or done until the addict wants help. It sucks, it is hard on everyone, but that is just the way it is.
I feel I need to make a correction to my comment. The first 2 (extremely long) sentences are in reference to said person not to Alikat. Though this may not be needed I felt that I worded it poorly.
Oh, okay, I thought you were talking about me there. :) Not that it really matters too much either way, you could make the argument on how that could apply to me or said person.
I could (the kniving little word twister I am), but I wouldn't. I don't feel I know enough about your life history to make such an accusation.
You know all those moments I was silent in high school. This is what I was doing. Tearing apart each and every word of every sentence to find the meaning and the subconcious meaning. Losing 7+ years, info I had then can not be at all attributed to current behaviors/personality imo. Clean slate here :)
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