No Day But Today

So I have been thinking about my issues in relationships a lot and have discussed this with 1031. Part of my problem and why I get hurt so often is because I tend to go with what feels right in the moment, not really concerning myself with the consequences so much. I think this is part of my obsession with Rent. The whole musical is about living in the moment, not being held up but what happened in the past and not worrying about the future so much. "There is no future, there is no past, I live this moment as my last." Of course when everyone has AIDS the whole no future thing is a little more real then when you are perfectly healthy, but in my opinion it is still a good philosophy to live by, and here is why I believe this.
First, the no past thing. Everyone has baggage whether it be from relationships, families, friends, hell life can leave you pretty scared. How I like to look at it is I carry my own baggage; I don't burden other people with it. It is not anyone else's fault that my ex beat me up, that I did a lot of stupid things when I was on drugs, that a drug dealer raped me, etc. I am open about these things, but I deal with them. It has made me a much stronger person. I feel like I can handle just about anything that comes my way at this point. Sure, I may go into hiding for a few days, but that is just me laying my baggage down and taking a break before moving on, which I always do. The point is I don't punish the next person I am with for the sins of what the last person did. It isn't fair to them and it kills a relationship and just causes more baggage.
How I handle the past isn't really what gets me into trouble, the fact that others don't handle it the same way does, but I can deal with that. Its more how I think of the future that gets me hurt. While I do know that my actions have consequence, I don't really worry about them too much. When the whole Shawn thing started back in like September, I knew it really wasn't a good idea. I knew it would end badly and that I would most likely end up getting hurt, but did I care? No. I had to find out for myself. Can I really predict the future? Is it not possible for someone to surprise me? And if I didn't find out for myself I would have always been left with the worst question of all: what if? I hate that question. I don't like thinking that something wonderful could have happened had I only acted. Now, this disreguard for the future does tend to get me hurt, sometimes because I don't think about it enough, and other times because others think about it too much. They don't want to hurt me, or drag me through shit that I don't need to go through. This of course gets mentioned after already starting something with me. What they don't understand is, that is life. I am not stupid. I know people have issues, complications in their life, and if I am part of their life I will have to go through things that are messy. I don't have a problem with that. I can handle just about anything. Life would be boring if i did everything the safe, easy way. And why worry so much about what may happen down the road? Does anyone know what is going to happen a year from now or a month or even a day? No. I figure life is short, why not enjoy the present? Why waste time worrying? Sure, this philosophy tends to get me hurt, but I also tend to have more fun then a lot of people. My life has been interesting to say the least. I don't ever want to look back and say, what if? Right now I really can't think of a single regret that I have. Any mistakes I have made, I learned from and became a better person for them. I have had my share of heartache, but I have also had my share of love. What more could I really ask for? Besides, with the life I have had and the shit I have lived through I will probably end up dying in the most bizarre, random, unpredictable way possible, like a meteor falling on me or something, so why not live each moment to the fullest? Really, what do I have to lose?