When should you stop trying so hard?
Things have been going really well with me lately. I am happier, and though still slightly lonely out here, talking to everyone back in Omaha really helps and I am really looking forward to moving back. As I have been getting happier though, my roommate is getting more and more depressed. She too is lonely and unsatisfied with her life, but seems to have no way to fix it. I try to cheer her up, but aside from brief moments it doesn't seem to be helping. After I talked to Shawn last night and filled her in on what was discussed she seemed to get much worse. I know she is happy for me, but I think she is really upset that she is alone and a little jealous that I have him. I keep telling her that the situation is exceptionally hard for me, and it is, and until I get back there I will continue to be lonely and have a longing that is worse than the loneliness, but I don't know if she quite gets it. It seems all I do lately is try to cheer her up, but with little result. I spent most of my day off in my room reading a book and watching Serenity (which I loved and knew would not interest her) and she asked if I was mad at her. Mad, no, dissappointed a little, yes. She called in sick to work today at a job she has had for like 2 weeks with no reason to, and I was kind of looking forward to spending a quiet day alone in my room, which I did anyway. I've earned it. I just don't know how much more I can try to cheer her up with no effect. This has been going on a long time, and I think she liked it better when I was depressed too. Not that she doens't want to see me happy, but its the whole misery loves company thing and I can't stay depressed that long. Even if things weren't going as well as they are, I just don't stay depressed that long anymore. Not since I got clean. A week, maybe two at most is the longest amount of time that I have been depressed in the past two years and I am very thankful for that. I guess I almost had to die before I realized that life was worth living no matter what and eventually I remember that no matter what is happening in my life. I just don't know what to do for her anymore. I wish I did. Its not like I am giving up on her, I just don't know how hard I should try anymore. Is there anything I can really do to make her feel any better? I am kind of running out of ideas here. I've taken her out, stayed in with her, talked to her, read random poetry to her when we got really bored, comforted her, listened to her, I don't know what else to do. I don't know if there is anything else I can do and its kind of wearing me out. Not that I mind that much, I'll do anything for someone I care about, but really when do you stop trying so hard?
posted by AliKat @ 12/18/2005 01:07:00 AM
5 comments
5 Comments:
You shouldn't stop trying, necessarily, but you also need to realize that if she doesn't want to be cheered up, she's not going to be cheered up, y'know?
You can't wear yourself out over this. You can't help everyone. All throughout high school, I had Duncan to worry about, whom I've known since kindergarten. He was always getting into trouble at home, at school, with police, and he'd show up at my door claiming that his father chased him out of the house with an axe handle.
No matter what I tried, he wouldn't, or couldn't, change his behavior, and it weighed me down, because I kept trying and failing to make things better.
Eventually, I just had to cut him off, so to speak. His issues were making me depressed. I couldn't take it anymore.
Point is, I guess, that you can't help everybody, no matter how much you want to and how hard you try.
With Duncan, perhaps I should have tried harder. Maybe I could have saved us all from his pyramid schemes and "Omaha Bachelor" website.
Jonathan Bach wrote, in 'Illusions' something which, to me, seems very wise. He wrote that people live their lives, in a sense, as if they were movies. When you go to a movie, you know what you are stepping into, be it action, or comedy, or romance, or tragedy. People go to comedies with the purpose to laugh and people go to sad movies with the purpose to cry. Some people want, or can not allow themselves to stop, living sorrowful lives.
You can not help someone who doesn't want to be helped, but that doesn't mean you should stop trying-- just don't beat yourself up when they turn down your aid. Everyone has to live their life by their own terms, even if those terms might seem terrible from the outside looking in or even if the person is utterly miserable. The difficult skill is being there Just Enough so that you don't hurt yourself nor turn them away, and that, when they do choose to ascend out of the much they're lodged in, they will know where they might find a hand.
--The God of Hellfire
Thank you both for the wonderful advice. I wasn't ever planning on giving up on her, it just gets so tiring after a while especially when you live with the person. I guess I was just feeling kind of bad yesterday because I was doing what I wanted to do with my day off and didn't include her and she took it like I was mad at her. I can't beat myself up over that though, sometimes I just need some me time and that is allowed.
You wanna hear something scary? I posted that bit about Duncan, and guess who showed up at the door today. It's like he's got ESP or something. Whenever someone mentions his name, he just appears.
Thats just weird, he does that everytime.
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