Yes, I have been very bad at posting lately and I am sorry. I have had a lot on my mind and my time has been spent productively meaning not spending hour after hour on the computer. Anyway, I have had this post in my head for over a week and it ties into what I was going to post about anyway so here it is, and it will be long so that should make up for lack of posting lately.
As most people know summer and especially August has held some very bad memories for me. It seems that the worst things that have ever happened to me in my life happened in August, and the two of the very worst happened on August 1st eight years apart. It was on August 1st that I was raped at seventeen, and it was on August 1st of last year that my ex snapped, got physically violent and I kicked him out. This day now just looms over my head. I think I have some weird paranoid fear that on this day a sign appears on my forehead that says I am to be abused and only men can read it. The fear of this day started eating at me as early as June. I just couldn't quite get it out of my mind. All summer long I have been taking long walks (3-8 miles) and on those walks I think and I pray, and the other thing that had been weighing on my heart was my faith. Ever since I overdosed two and a half years ago my faith had been renewed. Now I really can't think of a time when I didn't believe in God, even if I was angry at Him I still believed, but this changed that belief from some kind of vague belief in a God that may or may not have anything to do with my life into something much more real. Its hard to go through something like that, be told over and over again that medically speaking I should be dead and not believe that God very much had something to do with it. What was weighing on me though was what do I do with all this faith? I have been praying on almost a daily basis since then, but it just didn't seem like enough anymore. I was keeping my faith to myself, partially because there is so much about religion that I just don't like. I was raised Catholic and I could go off for hours on the hypocrisy in the Catholic church and the stupidity of their dogmatic laws. Since I was so young when I refused to go to church anymore I had a hard time separating Catholics from Christians, so I pulled away from it all. My mother, not wanted to raise me without some religion took me to a Unitarian church for a while. I never really got into that. They believe in God and think He is wonder, but there is no structure, you can take what you want and leave what you don't like, and believe it or not, I like more structure than that. I looked into Buddhism, and I like it as a philosophy more than an actual religion. I studied Reform Judaism and I did really like that. The structure that I like was there, their holidays actually meant something still. That is another thing that I didn't like about Christianity. A celebration of the birth of their Lord and Savior has turned into a greed-fest, who gets the most presents, spends the most money, its kind of sick. I stopped celebrating Christmas 6 or 7 years ago. Sorry if I am offended anyone. Christmas can be fun, I do enjoy the lights and the spirit of the season, its just that the true meaning of the holiday has been lost for most and it saddens me. Anyway I did get very into Judaism and almost converted, but it wasn't a perfect fit. I liked it better than anything I had found so far, but I guess it wasn't quite enough to commit to it with all my heart. I think the big hang up for me was having to agree that I would marry a Jew and raise my kids Jewish. Not being raised Jewish its a hard rule for me to follow out of no where, and not knowing who I might some day fall in love with, I just couldn't make that promise before God. It was at this point that I overdosed and moved to California. There AA became my religion. I am not saying anything against AA, it played its part in my life and my journey, but I think I evolved past that. I drank and the world did not come to an end, and now I have a choice again, and 9 times out of 10 I choose not to drink. On that random occasion where I choose to drink its okay, and I think that is true recovery. (Side note: I saw an awesome episode of South Park the other night that was about AA and it being a religion and that drinking doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. It was wonderful.) Again, I don't want it to seem that I am looking down on AA or anything, it works for a lot of people, they get what they need there, and they are better people for it. I just think it served its purpose in my life, it helped saved my life, but I have grown past needing that now. Anyway, as I started to drift away from AA I started thinking about moving back to Omaha. Part of the reason why I moved back to Omaha was to really rebuild my relationship with my parents. It had gotten worlds better than it was, but there is only so much that can be fixed and improved upon from 1500 miles away, and I wanted to go to church with my dad. He found a church that he really liked and it was really making a difference in his life. Now life kind of took over when I got back, I got distracted and sidetracked, but then people started getting put into my life and I got reminded about wanting to go to church with my dad. I finally went a few weeks ago and found Christians who think like I do. They put God's word above everything and don't make up their own rules to benefit themselves. They actually celebrate holidays for their spiritual and religious meanings and not just as an excuse to give gifts. They even study Jewish holidays and relate very much to Judaism. I found where I belong. So lately I have been studying the bible, talking and getting to know other Christians and building up my relationship with God on a new level and I have never known a greater peace in my life. The fear over a day on the calendar faded. I had a slight panic attack at 11pm on the 31st and I walked and prayed and the fear went away within 15 minutes. The day passed by like any other day. I went to bible study that night and a prayer service the next morning and never felt better. Now please don't get freaked out that I am some weird Jesus freak now. I am still me. Some minor things will change; I made an agreement with God not to have sex again until I am married, which a year ago would have freaked me out, but when I thought about it really where has sleeping around got me? If I do want to find a quality man who loves me for me then I have to take sex out of it. Most changes will probably go unnoticed as it is more of an internal change in my way of thinking, me not trying to control my life so much and turning things over to God, which to an extent I have been doing for years. Its one of the steps in AA. I feel much better when I let God guide me life. I pray over things and look for signs, which if you look are there. People are put into our lives at different times, books are suggested to us that have more significance to what we are going through then the person suggesting could have known, I believe that is God working in our lives. I think the bottom line for me is that my will would have me dead, its God's will that I am alive today, so I should listen to Him.
