I didn't need a quiz to tell me my love life sucks

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.8
Mind:	6.5
Body:	6.8
Spirit:	7.5
Friends/Family:	3.8
Love:	1.4
Finance:	6.1
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Wow, I am not evil

You Are 20% Evil

You are good. So good, that you make evil people squirm. Just remember, you may need to turn to the dark side to get what you want!

How Evil Are You?

If it weren't for the drugs and the sex I would be perfectly innocent. :)

Quick update

So my stuff finally arrived from Cali. Hooray! And my missing paycheck has finally coming, double hooray! I changed my cell phone to a local number. If you want it e-mail me. Right now I am very tired and I am going to curl up with my coffee and watch some movies and go to bed early.

PS Having my stuff means I have my massage table. I can be bribed into giving massages.

It's a good day!

One of my paychecks finally arrived. Hooray for no longer being dirt poor and finally being able to make my car payment. My other paycheck should be here in a day or so. They are reissuing it to me and sending it to the store. I also found out today that HIM is going to be playing Sokol on May 21st. I am so excited. HIM was the only band I actually paid to go see while I was in California and now I get to see them again, and provided that my other paycheck gets here before Saturday, I shall be taking 1031 as my date. Its the least I can do given all the movies and concerts he has treated me to over the years. If anyone else is interested in going tickets go on sale on Saturday. Right now I get to be in my little nerd heaven as I sit on the computer and watch Firefly, then provided that the weather doesn't get much worse I will be having dinner with my parents. Even with all the snow it is turning out to be a wonderful day. I was reminded today as I was running errands one of the reasons why I came back. People here are just so nice. I had a lovely little chat with the woman at the bank and the woman at Starbucks. You just don't get that so much in California. People were pretty nice to me, but they seemed to be fewer and farther between then people in the midwest. Yeah, I know, there are assholes here too, but the general public is just nicer and friendlier. I missed that. Not to mention all my wonderful friends here, some of whom I still haven't had a chance to see. I must fix that. Stupid work keeping me all busy and stuff. Well, and the fact that I am such a nerd and need to watch Firefly and I spend way too much time on the computer. Oh well, I am happy and that is all that really matters I guess. Even with the snow, it is very good to be back.

Stupid Snow

I moved to California to get away from the snow, I have been back for like 2 1/2 weeks and now it is snowing. :( At least it isn't really sticking. They already canceled school for tomorrow though, which I don't get. Its not that bad out. Right now, its not even snowing. They are only predicting like 2-4 inches by morning. I guess since they haven't used any snow days yet this year they figured why not? Well at least if it does get bad tomorrow I don't have to go anywhere. Hooray for no work. I am tired and cranky anyway. I need a day off. Hopefully my paycheck comes tomorrow and I will no longer be poor, of course there are those stupid bills I need to pay. They actually want me to pay back the loan for my car. What is up with that? I'm cute, they should just give me the money for free. :) Well almost time for Grey's Anatomy and I really have nothing to say anyway. I'm just bored so I thought I would post something.

Quick updates

I hope everyone had a fun and safe St. Patrick's Day. I think 1031 and I are going to be watching Capote Saturday night if anyone is interested in joining us.
I think my paycheck situation is finally sorted out. I should be getting one on Monday (the smaller one that I should have gotten today). The missing and quite larger one is going to be reissued, and I should get that one early next week as well, so no more being dirt poor for me. Hooray!!

I have movies...

If anyone is interested in watching Capote, Derailed, or Everything is Illuminated I have them until Monday. FYI: Capote is the movie Philip Seymour Hoffman just won Best Actor for; Derailed is the Jennifer Aniston and Clive Owen drama/suspense thing; Everything is Illuminated is starring Elijah Wood and he goes to the Ukraine to find the woman who saved his grandfather from the Nazis.

No Day But Today

So I have been thinking about my issues in relationships a lot and have discussed this with 1031. Part of my problem and why I get hurt so often is because I tend to go with what feels right in the moment, not really concerning myself with the consequences so much. I think this is part of my obsession with Rent. The whole musical is about living in the moment, not being held up but what happened in the past and not worrying about the future so much. "There is no future, there is no past, I live this moment as my last." Of course when everyone has AIDS the whole no future thing is a little more real then when you are perfectly healthy, but in my opinion it is still a good philosophy to live by, and here is why I believe this.
First, the no past thing. Everyone has baggage whether it be from relationships, families, friends, hell life can leave you pretty scared. How I like to look at it is I carry my own baggage; I don't burden other people with it. It is not anyone else's fault that my ex beat me up, that I did a lot of stupid things when I was on drugs, that a drug dealer raped me, etc. I am open about these things, but I deal with them. It has made me a much stronger person. I feel like I can handle just about anything that comes my way at this point. Sure, I may go into hiding for a few days, but that is just me laying my baggage down and taking a break before moving on, which I always do. The point is I don't punish the next person I am with for the sins of what the last person did. It isn't fair to them and it kills a relationship and just causes more baggage.
How I handle the past isn't really what gets me into trouble, the fact that others don't handle it the same way does, but I can deal with that. Its more how I think of the future that gets me hurt. While I do know that my actions have consequence, I don't really worry about them too much. When the whole Shawn thing started back in like September, I knew it really wasn't a good idea. I knew it would end badly and that I would most likely end up getting hurt, but did I care? No. I had to find out for myself. Can I really predict the future? Is it not possible for someone to surprise me? And if I didn't find out for myself I would have always been left with the worst question of all: what if? I hate that question. I don't like thinking that something wonderful could have happened had I only acted. Now, this disreguard for the future does tend to get me hurt, sometimes because I don't think about it enough, and other times because others think about it too much. They don't want to hurt me, or drag me through shit that I don't need to go through. This of course gets mentioned after already starting something with me. What they don't understand is, that is life. I am not stupid. I know people have issues, complications in their life, and if I am part of their life I will have to go through things that are messy. I don't have a problem with that. I can handle just about anything. Life would be boring if i did everything the safe, easy way. And why worry so much about what may happen down the road? Does anyone know what is going to happen a year from now or a month or even a day? No. I figure life is short, why not enjoy the present? Why waste time worrying? Sure, this philosophy tends to get me hurt, but I also tend to have more fun then a lot of people. My life has been interesting to say the least. I don't ever want to look back and say, what if? Right now I really can't think of a single regret that I have. Any mistakes I have made, I learned from and became a better person for them. I have had my share of heartache, but I have also had my share of love. What more could I really ask for? Besides, with the life I have had and the shit I have lived through I will probably end up dying in the most bizarre, random, unpredictable way possible, like a meteor falling on me or something, so why not live each moment to the fullest? Really, what do I have to lose?

Changes

When did I turn into such a nerd? I remember a time not that long ago when a day off meant going out, getting into trouble, partying, hooking up with some totally inappropriate guy, stuff like that. Now I am looking forward to sleeping in, getting on the computer, watching Firefly all day, and maybe finally finishing my book. That is my idea of a really good day. I hung out with Shawn the other night (yeah I know that is just asking for trouble and more posts on how men suck) but something I really didn't expect happened. I realized that I had more fun crashing nerd night, watching my friends play d&d and then watching Howl's Moving Castle. This realization came as quite a shock to me. I mean I knew I was becoming more tame then I was in the past. Getting off the drugs is a big factor in that, but I guess I didn't know just how much I have changed. I blame Ithiel and 1031. Their nerdiness has rubbed off on me and I don't think there is any going back. I have a blog, I am all into sci-fi and fantasy and anime now, I read all the time, I am always on the computer, I don't get bored when Ithiel starts play WoW when I am over; I am even starting to understand the game a little. Can I be much more of a nerd? At least I am a hot nerd. :)

Well, on a completely different note, I am feeling all nostalgic for my old riding and dancing days, seeing as how I am staying with my mom and there are pictures of me riding and dancing everywhere, so now I am watching old tapes of dance recitals and horse shows. I really wish I could have kept riding. Its one of the few things that I am truly good at. Stupid allergies making it difficult for me to be around horses. Oh well. I guess that is just life.

I found my smile

Okay, so it took talking to a complete stranger on myspace of all things to finally cheer me up, but I am feeling much better. Still not completely back to my old self, still a little cynical, but better. Men still suck, but at least I found my hope and optimism again, even if they are a little worse for the wear, they are not dead and gone.

I am not having a good week

I just wanted to thank everyone for their comments on my last post. I have decided not to publish any of them, but I did read them all. I will not be venting to anyone on this matter, no further details will be given except this: this was not the result of any one thing or one person. This was the result of a series of events that occured over a very short amount of time since I have been back in Omaha. More than one person was involved, it has forced me to think about other events that have happened in the past, and it has just been too much for me to deal with. The part of me that was able to bounce back from such things has been seriously wounded and right now I just need some time and space to heal. I am not sure how much time, but for now I am really not talking to anyone. So if you have seen my away message on aim recently it means just that. I am not hiding from some people and talking to others; I am just not talking to anyone right now. The only reason I go onto aim at all is because for some reason my mom's computer only likes me to check my e-mail through that now. So now, I am really done discussing this subject.

In other news, I got accused by a customer yesterday of stealing her $10, which was never handed to me. She came up with movies, one was not going to be free with rewards that day, so she went back to pick out another one. I saw the money in her hand when she left the counter, what happened to it after that I don't know; most likely it fell out of her pocket and someone else picked it up. All I know is I didn't take it. I emptied out my pockets for her and everything. She was still not satisfied. I felt like asking her, after working for the company for two years and handling hundreds of thousands of dollars of over people's money, every penny of which is accounted for, why on earth would I start by stealing her money in front of three coworkers, on camera, on my third day in a store where they actually go back and check security tapes because they don't trust the employees to begin with? In the end I just told her to talk to the store manager. I was not in the mood to deal with her. Then on my way home from work I got pulled over for speeding. For me, going 70 on the interstate at like midnight is driving rather slow, but I guess its not here. Luckily he just let me go and reminded me that I have 30 days to get a Nebraska license and register my car here. Oh and my paycheck still hasn't come yet. I am flat broke. Overall, I have had a really really shitty week. I am just really thankful that I didn't get a ticket last night. If I had I think I may have just said fuck it all and taken the offer to go to Chicago, marry someone I don't love and never have to work again. I am almost to the point of being so cynical that that offer is looking like a good idea.

I give up

Men suck. I give up on the whole gender. I'm tired, I'm done. And that is all I will say on this subject.

Somewhat Refreshed

Well, I stayed up a little too late last night, but slept in so I am feeling somewhat recovered from the long trip. The drive wasn't that bad. I just wish I hadn't had my cats in the car then I would have had time for a little sight seeing, would have been able to take my time and enjoy the road trip. As it was though, I felt the need to get to Omaha as quickly as possible. My cats are my babies and when they are with me I feel like I can't ever be away from the car, so any stops were very brief, maybe 10 minutes except the two times I stopped to sleep for 4-5 hours. So I did make excellent time and stayed within 5 miles of the speed limit. My car got the most incredible gas milage. In California I would have to fill my tank every 250 miles. I was stopping every 350-400 miles with a quarter of a tank still left. I was quite pleased by this, especially since I didn't have that much money to spend on gas. My paycheck should be delivered tomorrow, that is if the store manager actually does what she said she would and overnight it to me today when they come in. I'll just have to see if that actually happens.

I am going to start work on Saturday. Originally it was going to be Monday, but with getting here so quickly and their need for managers I said I would start this weekend and they were thrilled. Never hurts to start out on the DL's good side. I will be temporarily working at a store on 24th and Venton, then when they get the other ASM trained she will take that store and I will work at the store over on Saddle Creek, which is the store I wanted. I found out I get to take dance classes for free at the studio I danced at for 14 years, and that is down on 42nd and Center, and finding an apartment in that general area should be easy. Things are working out really well.

Before I left one of my customers gave me a Borders gift card, and now I think I am going to go out and use it. I am looking forward to being able to relax in the hot tub and read a bit, then going out again. I am already more social in Omaha than I was in California.

I have arrived...

safely back in Omaha. I am tired and I smell, so I will keep this short. All I can say is that was a long ass drive. I made it from Fullerton to Omaha in about 37 hours. I took I-40, so the distance was like 1600+ miles. I didn't speed, I just didn't stop much, or sleep much. My cats were wonderful, never bothered me. My brain still isn't functioning right, so I may give a better update later. This is taking too long for me to write. Thinking is hard. :)