Hurray for a minivacation!

Things are getting better, I have the days off to go to Chicago with T.J. next week. At first I wasn't sure if I even wanted to go with how tired I have been and how much time I will be spending in the car, but it is T.J. and it is Chicago and I have been dying to go back there for the longest time now, so I can sleep when I am dead. Chicago is fucking on!! I can't wait. So I am still a little tired and run down, but in a much better mood. After carefully reviewing my schedule this week I only work from 9-3 on Thursday, then I have Friday off so I will be able to relax then, get some shit done, and hopefully get back to my old self. I talked to Shawn today and saw him tonight and that put me in a much better mood, which kind of frightens me that he can have such a drastic effect on me, but there is little I can do about that. Not much else to say, just wanted the depressing shit off the top of my blog.

I'm tired...

i'm cranky, i'm upset, i just want to give up move to chicago and become a trophy wife. I have been working 6 days a week for going on a month now, and next week I am working 6 days again. My boyfriend is I guess my ex-boyfriend now seeing as he doesn't care enough to call me after a week. I am not allowed to go to TJ's going away party for stupid reasons. It has just been a long, bad week. I am not getting enough sleep and I am depressed and I am so close to giving up. I hate my job, I hate my life, I am just not in a good place at all right now. Stupid people at work are really getting to me and I am about to snap. I am going to go to bed and not get up until shit gets better.

My house is haunted

So a couple of days ago my mom came home and found some Freedom Park envolopes on the floor. She doesn't remember ever seeing them before, but knowing my mom that doesn't mean that for some unknown reason she had some laying around the house, but the rooms were locked up, no drawers were open and they didn't have any teeth marks from animals dragging them around. Now my family runs Freedom Park and I think always has. I used to work there, but that was when I was in high school and I don't have any of those envolopes; I would have seen them during one of my many moves. There was also a strange odor coming from the bathroom off the den. Now tonight I get home from work and she told me that she got up for a few seconds tonight to get a snack and when she went back to her room there was another envolope on the floor by her door. I went downstairs to my room and noticed two envolopes sitting neatly on the second to bottom step. I told my mom about it, I decided to mark the envolopes so we would know if the same ones were getting moved around and I went into the den and noticed that the odor was back (it had gone away). I searched the house for more envolopes, found none, and spent about an hour or so online. I went down stairs and there at the very bottom of the steps was another unmarked envolope. I am kind of freaked out right now. Where are they coming from? The only ghost (if that is what is doing this and there doesn't seem to be a better explaination for it right now) who would possibly do this is my grandfather. Before he died he was very involoved with Freedom Park. But why do this? What does he want? If the ghost can make things appear out of no where you would think that he could be more specific about what he wants.

Playing with fire

So my boyfriend upset me last night, like big time upset me. He pretty much ridiculed me for crying over Grey's Anatomy (specifically Denny dying). I watched it (for the second time) over at his place, and was crying by the end, so I went downstairs to get a hug because I was upset, and he called me crazy and psychotic for crying over a fictional character. Now anyone who knows me knows that this is not an unusual occurance. I threw a fit after reading Harry Potter and cried and cursed out the author for killing off my favorite character; I cry every time I watch Rent. Pretty much anytime a character I like dies in a tv show, movie, or book I cry. And what do I do in my spare time? I watch tv, movies and well I used to read books and I am sure I will again soon. So can I be with someone who is going to ridicule me every time I get upset over a fictional character? Can I be with someone who, when I come downstairs just wanting a hug to cheer me up, sends me back upstairs even more upset then I was to begin with? Would I be making such a big deal about it if Shawn wasn't back in my life and single? I am seeing him again tonight, I know 1031, you said stay away, but this is the only night he has free for a while and we can't do anything naughty tonight anyway because well I am a girl and once a month I can't do anything. He is coming over here earlier this time and my mom is home, so nothing will happen. I am not calling my boyfriend for a while which pretty much means we won't be talking for a while since he never, ever calls me, which does bother me some. I know he cares about me and sometimes he shows it, and he can be wonderful when we are together, but I don't know if he is capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved. He just doesn't seem to have that kind of love and compassion in him. I mean, yeah, getting worked up over fiction may seem a little silly, but you don't send your girlfriend whom you care about away crying harder than before because you think it is silly. And by the way, Shonda, the creator and one of the writers of Grey's Anatomy cried over Denny. I just read her blog and she cried while writing the scene, during the read through, during the filming, during the editing, and when they mixed in the music. And she created the character knowing he was going to die and she still cried, so I don't really think I am crazy or should be ridiculed for crying. This wasn't cute teasing either, this was how could you be so stupid teasing. It just seemed so heartless to me. Normally I would let it go too. I will put up with a lot to make a relationship work. I let things go that I probably shouldn't. I had warning that my ex in California would get violent with me, which he did, but I let all the warning signs go. I let it go and I shouldn't have. But with this, am I looking for an excuse to leave because of Shawn? I don't know. I just don't know. I do know that anytime things seem to be going okay for a while something comes along to fuck it up. At least I am used to it by now.

Tempting Fate

Okay, I know, I haven't been posting much lately and when I do it basically says nothing, just that I am busy and not home much, which is true. When things are going well I just don't have much to say. My life in the past month has been uneventful. I spend most of my free time with my boyfriend, and we are not very exciting people. We watch tv or movies, he plays video games and I watch tv or movies that he wouldn't like. That is pretty much a typical night for me, and really I couldn't be happier with it. After all the drama in my life I love spending quite evenings at home with my boyfriend. So why couldn't I leave well enough alone? Why did I invite some drama back into my life? Well, because it is me, and I can't help it. Now before anyone jumps to any conclusions, I did not do anything bad, maybe not the smartest thing in the world to do, but far from a bad thing. Shawn called me the other day, and he sounded upset. He finally broke up with his girlfriend and wanted to see me. I know, I know how this sounds, but I know Shawn and he knows I have a boyfriend so he wasn't just trying to get in my pants, he actually wanted to talk. I agreed to see him. He obviously needed to talk to someone he could trust and be completely honest with and he has always trusted me, and even when it hurts, he is always honest with me. The only thing I knew before he came over was that they had broken up because she was back on drugs, specifically meth, and she was cheating on him. Come to find out that since the break up she has sunk even lower. She is now literally a crack whore. She is selling her body for crack. What the fuck? I truly feel bad for this girl. How fucked up do you have to be to become a crack whore because the guy you were lying to and cheating on dumped you? What did she expect? Its just crazy. Of course Shawn had to keep saying, "see I told you if I broke up with her she would lose it." Now I will go back a few months, when Shawn kept breaking up with her just to get back with her like a week later and how much that hurt me. He explained that while he did want to be with me, he knew that she would not handle the break up well at all, while I was mature and could handle being hurt, which is true. I certainy did not turn into a crack whore. Since he had to pick between hurting me and hurting her, he decided to hurt me even though he would have rather been with me. Believe me I did not let him off the hook. First, he admitted before this that he never thought that she would sink this low. He thought that there would be lots of angry phone calls, text messages, maybe a hate letter and possibly a slashed tire, and while that is still fucked up, I still say he is a pussy for staying with her because he didn't want to deal with that shit. If he wanted to be with me so bad, he would have just delt with it. Second, I pointed out that all he did by staying with her was postpone the inevitable. He never intended on staying with her forever. Sooner or later he was going to have to deal with breaking up with her and it was never going to be good. In fact, by waiting until now it may be worse than if he did it before. If he did it while she was clean she may have handled it better, but by waiting until she was already cheating and on meth then it became a much smaller step to becoming a crack whore. He then proceeded to try to make fun of my boyfriend because he said he hates him on principle. So you may ask, why do I invite this into my life? Why would I invite over an ex boyfriend when I am perfectly happy with my current boyfriend? Well, he is my friend, I care about him, and I have told him that I would always be here for him, and those are not just empty words for me. He obviously needed to talk and I was there to listen. I know I shouldn't tempt fate by seeing him. I don't know how long the friend thing can last. I know I wouldn't cheat on my boyfriend, but seeing Shawn too much could destroy my relationship with my boyfriend. I wish I could just stay away from Shawn completely, but the truth is I will always care about him, there will always be a connection between us. Too bad our timing is absolutely horrible. Oh well, I guess that means that it was probably not meant to be.

So I am still distracted...

Sorry about the lack of updates, been spending most night's at my boyfriends and while he does have a computer I can use there are more fun things to do then update my blog over there. :) Anyway, not too much new going on. My job is stupid. I am no longer transfering to the store I was supposed to, instead I am working at the same store 2 days a week, and a store a different store 3 days a week. Lame. I don't really like it, but oh well. I still make good money. This week I ended up working at three different stores and only had one day off. Kind of sucked, but I will be happy once I get my paycheck. Oh and the store manager at one of the stores didn't want to give me the day off for Jennie's wedding, and I almost quit on the spot. I have open availablity, I never ask for days off, and this is a big thing. She said because they are doing inventory Saturday night I had to either, work the inventory, or work a shift on Sunday, so I guess I will be working inventory. This is what I don't get though, that is a choice of 3 shifts, there are 4 managers, why the fuck do I need to work? As long as I don't miss the wedding I'm okay, but still, it pisses me off. Well, I should get to bed, I have to open in the morning after closing tonight, again fucking lame. I need to find a new job.