Moving, definitely

So I am now offically moving back to Omaha, though I am pretty sure everone knew that. I have moved up the date quite a bit though. Now it looks like I will be moving out at the end of Febuary, so I will be back in Omaha around the first of March. I am very excited, though not looking forward to packing. I keep looking around and wondering how I acquired so much stuff. It will be such a pain to move it all, but well worth it. I can't wait to be back. I am just getting fed up with shit out here, probably becasue I know I am leaving. Work is just killing me, it should be really interesting when I leave. I finally got around to telling people I was leaving and they all told me I can't leave them there. Someone asked if I was having a going away party, which I hadn't even thought of, and he said he would throw me one. I didn't realize how much I meant to everyone there. Its really nice. Not nice enough to make me want to stay, but nice.

Happy Holidays!

I was going to write a comment on everyone's blog wishing them a Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah, but I have dial-up now so I will just say it to everyone at once. May your holiday be blessed and peaceful. Enjoy spending time with your loved ones and know that I will be thinking of each and every one of you! Be safe and have a wonderful day!

Should I Leave Early?

I got a notice on my door today saying that since I still haven't come in to sign the new lease they put me on a month-to-month lease, which is more expensive. I have just been working too much and I keep forgetting to go in and do it. I may be able to fix that and go back to the six month thing, but do I want to? I have been saying for a while that I don't know how I will make it through five months wanting to be there and being stuck out here, what if I just shorten it a bit? I could move in March instead of May and then I won't have to wait so long and I still miss winter, well the worst of it at least. Money will be even tighter, but I could make it. I don't know. I think I need to sleep on it and talk to my parents tomorrow.

Now this is more accurate

Greed:	Very Low
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Very High
Pride:	Very Low

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com

Gee, I am lustful, who would have thought that?

Kind of true...

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace. You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions. You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected. It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional. You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others. While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well. At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything. You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams. You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

I am not lazy and unwilling to work though, I guess it ignored the workaholic answer, and I have lots of aspirations and dreams. Oh well, I guess I can't expect much from a 5 question quiz.

When should you stop trying so hard?

Things have been going really well with me lately. I am happier, and though still slightly lonely out here, talking to everyone back in Omaha really helps and I am really looking forward to moving back. As I have been getting happier though, my roommate is getting more and more depressed. She too is lonely and unsatisfied with her life, but seems to have no way to fix it. I try to cheer her up, but aside from brief moments it doesn't seem to be helping. After I talked to Shawn last night and filled her in on what was discussed she seemed to get much worse. I know she is happy for me, but I think she is really upset that she is alone and a little jealous that I have him. I keep telling her that the situation is exceptionally hard for me, and it is, and until I get back there I will continue to be lonely and have a longing that is worse than the loneliness, but I don't know if she quite gets it. It seems all I do lately is try to cheer her up, but with little result. I spent most of my day off in my room reading a book and watching Serenity (which I loved and knew would not interest her) and she asked if I was mad at her. Mad, no, dissappointed a little, yes. She called in sick to work today at a job she has had for like 2 weeks with no reason to, and I was kind of looking forward to spending a quiet day alone in my room, which I did anyway. I've earned it. I just don't know how much more I can try to cheer her up with no effect. This has been going on a long time, and I think she liked it better when I was depressed too. Not that she doens't want to see me happy, but its the whole misery loves company thing and I can't stay depressed that long. Even if things weren't going as well as they are, I just don't stay depressed that long anymore. Not since I got clean. A week, maybe two at most is the longest amount of time that I have been depressed in the past two years and I am very thankful for that. I guess I almost had to die before I realized that life was worth living no matter what and eventually I remember that no matter what is happening in my life. I just don't know what to do for her anymore. I wish I did. Its not like I am giving up on her, I just don't know how hard I should try anymore. Is there anything I can really do to make her feel any better? I am kind of running out of ideas here. I've taken her out, stayed in with her, talked to her, read random poetry to her when we got really bored, comforted her, listened to her, I don't know what else to do. I don't know if there is anything else I can do and its kind of wearing me out. Not that I mind that much, I'll do anything for someone I care about, but really when do you stop trying so hard?

Sometimes my job is cool

I actually had a really good day at work today, even though I threw out my back last night lifting all the cases of soda that were delived, and thus had to come in early and clean the store because the DL was coming in for a district meeting. Customers were nice though for the most part, I found more yellow locks for our movies (I know seems lame but it made me happy), we had gotten in a shipment of XBox 360s the day before and by the time we closed they were all gone (to our preorder customers) meaning I no long have to hear from them and I don't have to worry about having them in the store. Those things are dangerous, people are crazy right now. Also we got our Christmas gift from Blockbuster today. I was afraid it would be another really stupid movie like Elf, but we got 2 free movie tickets. Now I can see King Kong for free tomorrow! Oh, and the DL was happy with the way the store looked, so my effort was not in vain. Our store is also number one in the district, which rocks. So even though I am still overworked a bit, things are getting better, at least maybe my outlook on everything is getting better and thats what is really important.

Bored

I am just bored and haven't posted in a few days. I am definitely moving back to Omaha in May. I talked more with my parents and now I really want to go back. My mom isn't doing to well. She will randomly get lost going home and her memory is getting worse. With her history it could be a lot of things, but it still concerns me and I should be there for her. California just doesn't feel like home to me anymore. It was a wonderful place to grow and heal, but I proved what ever I needed to prove to myself out here and I am ready to go home. The holidays are making it worse. This is the first time in years that I can remember wanting to be in Omaha for the holidays. I haven't even really celebrated anything in years and now I want to go back and celebrate with my family. Last year I was just concerned with getting through the holidays sober, now that I have done that I want to go back to enjoying the holidays. I am continually amazed how much getting sober has changed me in ways I wasn't expected. My priorities changed, my attitude changed, my whole outlook on life changed. I've grown up and settled down, sometimes I think I am getting boring, but really I don't want to go back to how I was. I could go out more, but for the most part I enjoy staying in. I enjoy watching a movie or reading a book or sitting on the computer. I have no real desire to go clubbing or pick up men, I have had my share (well more than my share but lets not get into that.) I just want to settle down, but finding a guy to settle down with is hard, especially when you don't go out. Well, I don't know where this is going anymore so I guess I will just end it there.

More like I am looking forward to 2006...

Your 2005 Song Is

Mr. Brightside by The Killers "It started out with a kiss How did it end up like this It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss" Let's just say you're happy to be done with 2005!

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

Ramblings...

The thought keeps running through my head, "how am I going to make it through the next six months." I am just not happy anymore. I am lonely. I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss Shawn. What am I doing out here? Sure, I love that I just went outside to get my mail barefoot and in a tank top and its the middle of December, but what is that really worth? I do nothing out here, and part of me wants to move on, start dating again, make new friends, and part of me says what is the point? I am just going to leave in a few months anyway. My life is in limbo right now. This is sounding all depressing, and I am really not depressed anymore, just lonely. I had a good day at work. I really do enjoy my job, but I can do the same exact thing in Omaha. I would miss the people I am working with; we have a great staff right now, but I might be getting transfered to another store closer to home anyway. The DL wants to "shake things up a bit." Translation: I do my job well and I need to help out at stores that suck. Its kind of a compliment, but it means more work for me, and probably me having to go in and be the "bad guy" who plays by the rules and expects everyone to do their job. The first store he wanted to move me to is a total disaster; I worked there last night and frankly Blockbuster couldn't afford the minimum salary I would accept to work in that hell everyday. Its in the fucking ghetto of Orange County, half the customers don't speak English, the staff are all lazy, they steal, and the store is always a mess, and I would have to come in be the "bad guy" and make people work, report the theft, get people fired, and pretty much be hated there. No thank you. Sometimes it sucks to be responsible. I can't not do my job well; its just not in me. When did I change so much? I can remember when I swore I would never live in Omaha again, now I can't wait to go back. I can remember not being that responsible, just doing a good enough job to get by and be liked, now I've got responsibility coming out of my ass, and I keep getting promoted. I can remember when me not ever being home meant I was out partying, now it means I work too much, and when I am home all I want to do is relax and watch a movie. When did my life get so dull? When did I grow up? Probably started about two years ago when I stoped doing drugs. I can't believe its been almost two years. Where did the time go? I am surprised I managed to stay clean for this long and through all the shit that has happened to me in the last two years, yet its almost been easy. Its easier now for me to deal with life than hide from it. Its easier for me to move on rather than to drown my pain in alcohol and drugs. I learned the hard way that if you don't deal with things right away it will come back even years later and bite you right in the ass. I don't really regret a thing from my past though. I needed to go through all of it in order to get where I am today, and besides being lonely, I am really happy with with who I am now and where I am at, emotionally that is, not physically.

Well, if everyone else is doing it...

End of 2005 wrap-up


1) Was 2005 a good year for you?
It had its moments

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
Going back to Omaha for Thanksgiving

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Coming back to California after that trip; I was depressed for a week

4) Where were you when 2005 began?
I don't even remember, no where exciting obviously.

5) Who were you with?
I don't know, if I wasn't with 1031 I was probably alone

6) Where will you be when 2005 ends?
Work then home with my roommate being boring

7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?
My roommate Erin

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005?
um, i don't remember if I had any, if it was to not relapse then yes

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2006?
not yet

10) Did you fall in love in 2005?
yes, twice if you count falling back in love with someone I was in love with years ago

11) If yes, with who?
Jayson and Shawn

12) If yes, do they know?
yes and yes

13) Are you still in love with them?:
Jayson-no, Shawn-yes

14) You regret it?
Jayson-yes, Shawn-no

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005?
yes

16) Did you make any new friends in 2005?
my roomate Erin

17) Who are your favorite new friends?
Erin

18) What was your favorite month of 2005?
um, I don't know

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005?
no

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2005?
Nebraska and Iowa, I think that is it this year unless you count layovers and I don't

21) Did you lose anybody in 2005?
my grandfather died and I lost a fiance, but I am better off without the latter

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?
a few people very much

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005?
Rent

24) What was your favorite song from 2005?
um, Wings of a Butterfly by HIM is the only thing coming to mind right now

25) What was your favorite record from 2005?
Dark Light by HIM

26) How many concerts did you see in 2005?
2

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005?
I guess I will put the HIM concert at number one

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2005?
not at all

29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2005?
not one unless you count over the counter shit taken very rarely

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2005?
Do I actually have to answer that?

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
no, but I regret a few things

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005?
I'll never hurt you from my ex

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005?
not so much badly, but I could have handled a few situations better

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005?
oh yes

36) How much money did you spend in 2005?
way too much, fucking rent is way too high out here, can't I just sing a song and not pay it?

37) What was your proudest moment of 2005?
getting one year sober in January

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005?
don't remember any

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be?
not saying what I said to 1031 before he left

40) What are your plans for 2006?
moving back to Omaha

Moving, probably

Well after talking to my parents and finally talking to my ex it looks like I will be moving back to Omaha right before Jen's wedding. That is when my current lease ends and I have to be back for the wedding anyway so it seems like the perfect time to go back. I still have plenty of time to change my mind, and this decision is not based on any promises made by my ex; he made none. The only thing really said was that we both really miss each other and we love each other and if I moved back we would probably end up together. I am not counting on it and its not the sole reason for the move. I miss all my friends in Omaha, I miss my family. My mom is off of drugs for the first time in many many years and it would be nice to be around and have real relationship with her. I missed out on a lot when she was using and I was using. you can only mend a relationship so much from such a distance. It would also be a lot easier to live out there. My entire paycheck wouldn't be going to rent anymore. When I first move back I won't even be paying rent, I'll be staying with my mom for at least a month until I can find a place of my own. I might even be able to go out and do things with friends. I do nothing here. Never go out, just stay in watching movies. I have like 3 friends here, and while they are absolutley wonderful, I am still rather lonely. This way I can actually see my friends in Chicago too. A 7-8 hour drive in nothing compared to a what 5-6 hour flight with layovers, having to get to airports like 2 hours early, a two hour time change, oh and a ticket cost of like $300 at least. Its no wonder I haven't made it back since I moved to California. I said before that I was going to follow my heart and my heart is pulling me strongly back to Omaha.

Feeling Better

Well, I had my first day off in who knows how long. I slept in, watched a movie, fucked around online, and I am feeling much better about things. I won't have to work tomorrow either since the store manager never got back to me so I get another day off the relax. I think that is what I was really missing, some me time to do nothing with. Things are still weird on the relationship front, but not much I can do about that besides try to move on and know that whatever is supposed to happen will happen. There must be some plan for my life, I mean no one swallows 150+ pills and lives to tell about it without some purpose right? At least that is what I tell myself when I get down. There is a reason for me to be here. I just wish I knew what it was. And if it is working for blockbuster than that is a shitty fucking reason! I guess I have to just follow my heart and see where that takes me.

I'm insane

This week I am supposed to actually have 2 full days off in a row, and what do I do? I told another store looking for managers that I would be able to fill some shifts. What is wrong with me? I am so tired, I need the time off, but I don't want to be alone with my thoughts for two days. I guess all I can do is hope that the store manager calls tomorrow and says she no longer needs any help. Yeah and I might grow wings and fly. Fucking job is sucking out my soul or maybe I am just sick of my life in general. I don't even know what I am saying anymore; I need to go pass out now. I was just so happy to have a decent connection I felt the need to post something. Hope everyone else is doing better than me right now.

Superhero

Your results:
You are Supergirl

Supergirl 80% Wonder Woman 75% Robin 57% Superman 55% Hulk 50% Batman 50% Green Lantern 50% Spider-Man 45% Catwoman 45% The Flash 40% Iron Man 30%

Lean, muscular and feminine. Honest and a defender of the innocent.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...


Is this because I wear a thong?