Memories

Driving around the city I grew up in I got to thinking about the past. I've been doing that a lot since I have been back; its kind of hard to avoid when so much of my life was spent here. Its amazing how a scent, a song, a person, or a place can take you back to a time long ago. A specific moment in time that is unchanging, that has so much meaning to you whether it be good or bad. I spent a long time running from these memories. I did everything I could to forget them, but they are always there in the back of my mind haunting me, waiting for something to bring them to my attention. Not all of my memories are bad, but there is a sadness that comes with them all. The good ones leave me missing that time. I drove by the one place that I always found comfort in and it is gone, replaced by a housing development. I knew this. I knew my safe haven was no longer there, but driving by its replacement made me sad. I miss my old place, the place I spent so much time growing up. I learned to drive on the long gravel road there; I went there when nothing else in my life made sense and found the comfort I was looking for. And now it is gone forever and I took it for granted when it was there. I have driven by other places that still stand that hold horrible memories, memories best left buried, but come out from time to time. That place stands and my safe haven is gone. The question that stands out in my mind is how long do I dwell on these things? What is the appropriate amount of time to bask in the good memories or linger on the bad ones? Should I just move on? Am I even ready to move on? Why do I feel the need to hang on so much to the past? Its what made me who I am today, but spending too much time remembering keeps me from actually being who I am today. Reliving my past reverts me back to who I was then, and I don't want that. I want to move on, be me now and look forward to the new memories that I am going to make, but somehow I just can't quite let go. Hopefully someday soon I will let go and be free.

Ass biting

So my past keeps biting me in the ass. Friday night the ex that didn't like that I had feelings and we broke up because he never called, called at 1:30 in the morning. I did not pick up the phone, I didn't know what to say. It just really threw me. I didn't know what to think. I still don't. Why would a guy who never calls me call? Just as I am getting over this weirdness I run into one of the few people I never wanted to see again in my life. My ex, whom I was with the night I was raped. Yeah, that brought back some found memories. Lets just say that week has kind of sucked so far and it ain't looking like its getting any better. :(

How to save a life

This song is now permanently stuck in my head, so here are the lyrics. I will post something else soon.


Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to save a life

I'm back

Just a quick note to let everyone know that my phone is back on, I worked through most of what I needed to. Some things will always be issues for me, but for now they are not bothering me. Also, I am off of work this Thursday-Monday. I was going to go to Chicago, but decided to stay in Omaha instead. Don't ask why, it was part of what I was dealing with. I think right now my Thursday is booked and Friday at least during the day, other than that I am pretty much open if anyone wants to do anything. Give me a call, I actually will answer now. :)

blah

Health wise I am feeling better, mentally I need a break. Too much going on in my head right now. My cell phone has been off for days and it will probably remain that way for a while. I need to work some things out on my own, and I love all the people in my life but the concern is getting really annoying. I am fine, just not quite myself and I get at least 3 messages a day asking if I am okay. If I wanted to talk about what is going on in my head I would talk about it, but I don't. Sometimes I hate being me. Other people can have bad days and no one thinks twice about it, I have an off day and people won't leave me alone, and that is all I want right now. Just a little alone time to work things out. No one can give me the answers I am looking for, no one can really understand what I am going through right now, and I appreciate the concern, but I wish they would just back off and let me get through this. I am rambling, I know I am rambling. Too many thoughts in my head and nothing comes out well, so I will just end this by again saying physically I am fine, and mentally, well that will come with time too.

My 100th Post

And I have very little to actually say, just thought I needed a quick update. I am ill and no one seems to know what is wrong with me, and believe me it is not for a lack of looking. I will be quite happy never to have to get blood taken, or another abdominal CT done ever again. So since they can't find the exact cause of my illness they are treating symptoms for now, meaning valium to stop to muscle spasms, pain killers for the kidney pain, and lots and lots of vitamin water. It seems to be the only thing that makes me feel somewhat better. And I have to avoid salty foods because for some reason they make me feel worse. Oh and I get lots and lots of sleep, like minimum of 12 hours a night otherwise I am too weak to function. Hopefully all this will pass soon. If nothing else it is getting me to eat healthier and drink more water (like 60-80 ounces a day just to feel slightly better.) On the plus side any of the tests for anything really serious have all come back negative, so I am not going to die or anything. I am just anxious to get back to normal. Whatever is wrong with me has also been effecting my concentration and personality which bothers me more than anything. I just don't feel like me right now. Oh well, I guess I am just going to have to wait it out and I will either get better and things will go back to normal or I will get worse and then maybe they can find the cause and treat it. Until then I am just kind of existing the best I can.