I'm just not mean

I really really wanted to get back at Shawn for all the shit he has put me through over the last year. I had a plan and everything of how I was going to fuck with his head. But I can't do it. I just don't have it in me to be that mean. Not that that is a bad thing, its really a good thing, but still part of me wants him to suffer just a little bit for what he put me through. Ultimately I realized its not my place to decide if he deserves to be punished and it really isn't my place to do the punishing. And, as always, in my heart I forgave him for what he did. Don't get me wrong, I don't want anything to do with him, but I am just not the kind of person who can hold a grudge. I am a very forgiving person. I forgave my ex in California, again I want nothing to do with him after what he did, but I forgave him. I couldn't bring myself to do anything mean back to him either. He choked me and hit me; he stole from me and believe me I had many people asking where they could find him so they could "take care of him." Even though I knew where to find him, I wouldn't tell them where he was. I just wanted the drama to end, and I believe in my heart that someday he will pay for what he did, be it in this life or the next. It's not up to me to reap vengence on anyone. Charges were pressed, a warrant was issued, other than that its out of my hands. After everything I have been through I have learned that the best way for me to get through things like this is to allow myself to feel the pain, work through it, learn from it, and move on.

Relationships

I have been thinking a lot about my past relationships, what went wrong, what went right and why I am still so willing to put myself out there so completely. So on the what went wrong side I realized that some character traits that make it really easy for people to take advantage of me and hurt me. First, I tend to try to focus on the good in people I will search for it if I have to, which isn't a bad thing, but sometimes it blinds me to the bad things in a person. My ex in California is the perfect example of this. We met, we clicked right away and things were wonderful. I saw the warmth and kindness and love in him and though he wasn't perfect I saw the potential in him to be a really wonderful man. I focused on that and ignored the warning signs of his violent temper. He punched a hole in the wall and pushed me around a bit, and I let it go. I let it go until the night that he exploded and I had to call the cops on him. I just didn't want to admit that he had a violent temper until it was kind of too late. It could have been worse, only a couple of bruises, some broken furniture, and I eventually got over it. It took some time to get over that kind of utter betrayal of trust and there are a few signs here and there that I am not 100% over the entire thing, but I got through it, and I like to think that I am stronger because of it. My downfall with Shawn was hope. He kept playing into the hope, making promises he couldn't keep, talking about a future that we would never had, and he strung me along for almost a year with that. He talked about fate and how we belonged together, how much he cared about me, anything that would keep that hope alive. These traits are bad things to have, just in the hands of the wrong person it can do a lot of harm.
The sad thing that I discovered about the relationships I had that were really wonderful was that they were ones that had a time limit going into them. The guy I went on my 6 week road trip around the country with was a wonderful relationship. We loved each other, had a wonderful time, but because we live in two different states and our lives are too different that is all we will ever had. We are still friends, he has since gotten married and I wish all the best to him. We had a perfect open, honest and loving relationship, that ended with the end of our vacation. Joel is another example of this. We met in London on vacation, fell pretty hard for each other, but because we have always lived halfway across the country from one another, nothing more has ever some of it. We are still close, I talked to him tonight in fact, and we always talk about trying to see each other again, but after all these years it has never happened and now he is going to be shipped off to Korea. What I am not sure about with these relationships is if they were only so good because we knew going into it that it would end so we the little time we had together the best we could, or if it is just so happened that I met guys in far off places who are more like me, open and honest and trusting right from the start. I don't think that I was much different in these relationships than I was in others, and I don't know what would have happened if we had met under different circumstances.
So why do I keep putting myself out there? Even if it was for brief moments, I caught a glimpse of what true love could be, how wonderful it is, and I know I can have that again. That is why I can't go off and be a trophy wife in Chicago as tempting as that offer can be sometimes, but it would be for friendship and convenience, not love. Why should I settle for anything less than true love?

Not too much to say

Its been a good week. No particular reason, I have just been in a good mood. I went to the zoo today with TJ for a bit. It was nice to spend some more time with him before he leaves. I am really going to miss him and when I gave him a hug goodbye I had to fight back some tears. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like he has, but the selfish part of me wants my friend close by. I actually now know 2 people who will be in Korea. Another friend of mine who is currently in Texas is going to be sent over to South Korea. He is in the air force. So knowing two people over there means I may have to plan a trip over there sometime. I may not ever be able to afford it, but I can dream. I have never been that far from America. So far the furthest I have gone is London. I have been all over the U.S. though. I love to travel and I love having an excuse to go somewhere new and exciting.

I watched Ultraviolet with 1031 earlier in the week. All I can say is it looked really cool, didn't really have much of a plot, but the eye candy was good. I will have the Libertine probably tomorrow if I remember to rent it, so if anyone is interested in watching that with me let me know. The other movies I have right now are mostly chick flicks so I will probably be watching those alone.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week. And TJ again, I love you, I will miss you, be safe and keep us all updated on how things are going!

Its nice to know...

that despite everything, the heartache, the sorrow and the misery that sometimes comes with my life, that there is one thing that never dies in me: hope. I hope for a better tomorrow, for better things to come. When everything went wrong, I got offered a horse and it started turning things around. I guess I will always be destined to follow my heart even when my head knows that I will more than likely get hurt. Its just the way I am programed. I can't stop it. I knew when I first started talking to Shawn that it would probably end badly, but I couldn't help but follow my heart and see what happened. And yes it ended very, very badly. He hurt me four times over the last year, but I think I finally ended it once and for all. Four times is enough for me to say I am moving on. I may not have done it in a way that everyone approves of, but it worked for me, the weight has been lifted, and I feel free. That is what is really important isn't it?

So I'm bad at updating

Like any of you are that much better. :P Anyway, what has been going on...well I am getting a horse. A free horse. I rule. My friend's roommate in Chicago wants to give her to a horse person who will spoiler her since she can't use her to drive carriages anymore. She is only good as a trail horse, and that is all I really want to do anymore is have a horse to play with, so it works out well for both of us. I found a barn for her already. It is a little ways away, but great place, right in my price range, lots of land to ride on, so I will probably keep her there. Looks like I will be getting her mid to end of July. I can't wait. Tonight I found out that I might be getting a promotion to SMIT (store manager in training) meaning that the next store that opens up would be mine. I still have to interview for the job. The DL asked if I wanted to apply, but I am not sure if she asked all the ASMs or if she had a few in mind that she wanted to ask about the position or what. Either way, I got asked, I am applying, and if I get it more money for me, which is good since I will soon have to be paying board for a horse and when I finally get around to even looking at apartments I will have to pay rent too. Yeah, I went looking for barns for a horse I don't have yet before I went looking for a place to live myself. You can see where my priorities are.