Moving Day

Well I am just waiting for the movers now. Probably taking off after they are done, so I won't be online for a few days. I will be going through some serious withdrawal. I mean what will I do at night? Drive? I should really get a laptop, then I never have to be away from the computer. Well, I should change into some warmer clothes before they get here. It's all cold and rainy here today. Yuck.

My neighbor is fucking nuts!

She is going through the dumpster and pulling out shit that I threw out. What the fuck? I told her all the electronic stuff (lamps, dvd player, printer) is broken, the food is all expired, the only shit worth taking out is the ex's old clothes and I don't know why she would want them. Of course this is the same neighbor who gave my roommate used thongs for Christmas so who knows. Just had to share. Back to throwing shit out.

Cleaning House

Well I just spent the last 45 minutes throwing shit out. Not all of it mine either, in fact almost all of it was my ex's. When we split up I took a carload of shit over to his foster mom's house. That was back in August. And given the circumstances of our split, or rather the fact that he beat me, he was not able to ever get his shit out of here. I hung on to the rest of it thinking I would get it back to his foster mom, but time slipped away and now there is no time to get it to her and pack my shit and do everything else that needs to get done before I move, so it is all now out in the dumpster. It felt liberating, freeing myself of the baggage of that relationship. If I had more time I would have donated the clothes, but I am getting down to the wire here and I am worried about getting the packing done as it is. A few more boxes have been packed, but the kitchen will take a while. I am really not too worried about getting everything done, just nervous I guess. Moving back somewhere I ran away from so many years ago. I know things have changed; I am a different person now, stronger, but still...I don't know. I don't know where I am going with this. I know I am doing the right thing; I know I will be happier back in Omaha; I'll have a better life there, but I will miss California, my friends out here, the warm weather. At least living in Omaha I will be able to afford to come back and visit. Well I am trying to do too many things at once now, so I will stop here. If I don't post again until I get back to Omaha, don't be surprised. So much to do, so little time.

Here is a question...

When I move what should I change my blog name to? I really can't keep it Caligirl when I live in Omaha. I am open to suggestions. I guess I have a very very long drive ahead of me to think about it; right now I got nothing.

Many Random Notes

Well I fianlly got the moving company hired. Now I just have to pack. Yuck. I have so much stuff. I really need to go through and throw a lot of it out. I think if I haven't even touched something in the two years I have been living here, then it can probabaly be trashed. No sense in hanging on to something if I don't need it.

So i had missed this last Sunday's episode of Grey's Anatomy because I am a dumb ass and didn't set my VCR correctly. I was so upset. It was the second part of a two part episode. How could I miss it? Luckily the kind people at ABC heard my cries and replayed the episode last night. I was not disappointed. It was better than the first part, still full of intensity but more character driven. I was quite pleased. I think Grey's Anatomy has become my favorite t.v. show now.

I realized that my last post seemed a little down and harsh on the whole day. Don't think that I have turned into a bitter angry person when it comes to love. I needed to vent some of my frustrations, and in order to make the reality of the situation with Shawn feel real I needed to write it, to get it out, let others see it, so I could move on. I feel better after now that it is said and done, and the rest of my day was nice and relaxed.

I now know when my first trip to Chicago is going to be, well not exactly but the dates in which I have to be there. It seems my Rent obsession knows no bounds, and the touring company will be in Chicago from April 5-15. Now I know Mr. and Mrs. Poni will be in Omaha from the 10-15, so my trip must be made before that. I just know that sometime between April 5-9 I will be in Chicago seeing Rent performed live for the 5th time. Of course I am not sure of the dates the Jen will be in town, so if they are the 5-9, then I will have to wait until the next time they tour or the next time I am in New York. Friends still come before Rent.

So I started my fifth book of the year. So far really good. I just found it at Barnes and Noble when I went there to pick up Without You. Its entitled Crazy in Love, by Luanne Rice. The line on the back that caught my attention was, "...when your dreams are in danger of collapsing, it's time to create new ones." I found that pretty fitting considering everything I have been going through. I'm not too far into the book yet. I have only been reading it on breaks. I will probably give a brief review when I am finished with it. It will probably take longer than usual with the move and all.

I went to Walgreens today to pick up some stuff. I ended up finding the Easter Candy and have been gorging myself on sweets ever since. Easter always has my favorite candies. The Cadbury Cream Eggs have always been my favorite. A close second may have to be the Backe's Chicks and Rabbits. I don't know what they are exactly, but they are good.

Physical therapy has been going well. Only one or two session left. My back is feeling so much better, now all the muscles I should have been using instead of my back are all sore, but they will regain their former strength. I really must join a gym when I get back. I used to have dancing and riding and working as a theatre technician to keep me in shape. I have none of those now, so when I do something that used to be easy before, I end up getting injured. Working out a few times a week should prevent that from happening again.

Well, I hope that is everything. May have to do for a while. I am getting down to the wire now. I will be back in less than two weeks!

Happy Fucking V Day

I hate Valentine's day. Probably because even with all the boyfriends I have had i always seem to be single on this day. The last time I remember having a boyfriend on Valentine's Day I was 16 years old. That is 9 years ago people! That is 8 shitty, lonely Valentine's Days that I have been through. The only one that I have fond memories of is when I was in rehab. How sad is that? I had to be in rehab to have a good Valentine's Day. I was going to make an anti-Valentine's Day endcap at work with movies like Fatal Attraction, American Psycho, Unfaithful, Basic Instinct, movies like that. Unfortunately, we did not have enough of those movies for sale to make my endcap so I couldn't do it. I thought it woud be greatly appreciated. Not everyone is happy on Valentine's Day, and those who aren't are probably alone watching movies and as sick as I am of seeing all those romantic movies shoved in their faces. At least Saw II comes out today so they have something totally unromantic to watch. Oh and Mirrormask is out today too. Excellent movie. Hopefully I will get through the day without crying or feeling too sorry for myself. I might want to spend the day inside though. If I see some happy couple it will take a lot for me to resist the urge to spit in their face. Not that I am bitter or anything. No, not at all. I enjoy getting jerked around by someone i care about. Fucking asshole. Okay, now that that is out I can go on and enjoy my day.

Things are looking up

I've been really bad about updating lately. Just too much going on. My blog will probably be fairly quite until i move back to Omaha as I will be very busy for the next week weeks, but please don't take me off your links, I will be updating again frequently once I settle in at home. Well, my back has finally been getting better. The physical therapy is really helping. Now my legs ache a lot because I am not used to using them so much. I have to bend my knees now when I want to reach something low, not just bend over. I really over did it on Thursday. I had physical therapy in the morning and then it was so beautiful outside I decided to take a really long walk and listen to my ipod. I ended up walking for like two hours. Then I went to the park, sat by the pond and read for a while with ducks and geese walking all around me. It was a wonderful day. The next two days however I could hardly walk. It was worth it though.

Today I found out some wonderful news. I am definitely getting the transfer to a store in Omaha, and I get to keep my same salary. This means that I will be able to easily make rent and probably pay my bills in two weeks and the other paycheck can go towards savings, or going out or whatever. This is a huge relief. I will probably have a bit of a commute to work. To keep my pay rate I have to work in a high traffic store and those are kind of spread out. One is on 50th and Dodge, two are in Council Bluffs, and the other one is like near Belleview I believe. Worth the commute though for the extra money.

Lately I have also been in full blown Rent obsession. I've watched the movie three times, once with commentary. I watched all the special features including a 2 hour documentry on the writer/composer which left me in tears almost the entire time. In case you know nothing about his story he struggled for years to get Rent going, poured his soul into it, based a lot of it on his life and experiences, and the night before it went into previews off Broadway, he died suddenly of an aortic aneurysm. He never got to see his dreams come true. He never got to see it become an overnight success. He didn't get to accept his Tony awards, or his Pulitzer or any of the other awards he had won. Its just such a tragic story I couldn't help but cry. This is my favorite musical, and it touches me so much that I cry every time I see it. And considering that I saw it performed four times and have seen the movie now five times that is really saying something. Even with the commentary on I was moved to tears. There is such an amazing heart and soul to this show and it has touched so many people. Its so sad to think that the creator of it did get a chance to enjoy his well earned success. I am currently reading (well by tomorrow I will be finished with it) the autobiography of one of the original cast memebers of Rent Anthony Rapp entitled Without You. You may know him as the blond nerdy guy from Dazed and Confused. He also got to reprise his role of Mark in the movie. His story too is touching and a bit tragic. While he was working on Rent his mother was diagnosed with cancer and about a year into its run on Broadway she died. And if you have seen Rent you know its about living while facing a deadly disease. I can't image how difficult it must have been for him to doing this show while his mother was dying. So after watching and reading all of this over the weekend I am emotionally drained. I can't remember when the last time I cried this much. At least its not because of something horrible happening to me, its just because of my overwhelming empathy for others.

Well I guess that is a good enough update for now, i must get some sleep.

Waiting for it to pass...

I'm miserable. I hate this. My back isn't getting any better, the meds that I am on are making me crazy. Any drug I take whether prescription or not makes me depressed and paranoid. I don't want to do anything. I cry because of the pain; I cry because I am sad and lonely. And because I am an addict I want to solve it by taking more drugs to help me relax, even though I know that the drugs are part of the problem to begin with. I just want to go home. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I guess all I can do is wait and hope that all this passes.